Finding balance

I’m trying to purge my file cabinet. Some of the paper is easy to toss. Some is scanned and stored digitally. Yesterday I came across a short piece I’d written, date unknown, called TUG-OF-WAR. It goes like this:

     My self—image suffers in a tension between the paradox of being a sinner yet a saint. It is like a tug of war, each side lunging and pulling on the other, the center line yanked back and forth. God does not assist either side — to win or to lose. Instead He helps both, whenever each needs it, to keep me in balance. The despair of guilt for what I have been cannot win against the joy of what I am becoming. The exultation of who I am in Christ cannot totally defeat the reminders of who I am without His grace.

     Learning to live in this seesaw tug of war and to be able to say “I am content" — that is the goal. I desire to be so centered on Christ that the motion of my center loses its effect on my consciousness, no more staccato, only holding firm, without my notice or regard.

Today my devotional guide takes me to the book of Romans. The theme is redemption and I know that many parts of this wonderful letter written by Paul touch on the idea of a tug-of-war. Part of it involves the battle between flesh and spirit. Part of it involves how to think about myself as a Christian. Am I a sinner? Am I a saint? Am I dead to sin? or alive in Christ? And if alive, why still the problem of sin? Paul says this:

But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it — the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus. (Romans 3:21–26)

This is redemption: a sinner saved by grace, not flipping back and forth but centered, holding on to both truths as I hold on to Jesus Christ, the One whose Light reveals my sin and whose Life and Love forgives it.

I read parts of a magazine devoted entirely to the subject of redemption. The beginning article makes this statement:

     Many in the church have grown tired of that old-time religion, and they have become enamored with the affluence of get-holy-quick, pop-Christian programs. They have joined arms with the razzlers and the dazzlers of the world’s marketplace, and they have set out on a journey down a yellow-brick road that will lead only to the great and powerful Judge whom they do not recognize, for without even realizing it they have abandoned their first love. For all practical purposes, the person and work of Jesus Christ have become commonplace, and the finished work of Christ’s atonement is largely taken for granted. (Tabletalk Magazine, September 2005: Redemption Accomplished. Lake Mary, FL: Ligonier Ministries, 2005.)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Lord Jesus, whatever it takes, I do not want to be in that category. You have made me to be a person willing to see my dark side, my sins. As painful as this is, it keeps me from taking You and Your saving work for granted. Yesterday, a time of reflection and confession filled me with great joy. Last night, a vivid dream put me back in that tug-of-war. I don’t want the devil to keep me down, but I know that being “up” can get me flying too high to remember that You are the only reason I can get off the ground. Again, I come to You, my first love, and ask that You keep my thoughts, emotions and focus in that balanced place of knowing I am a sinner but also deeply aware that I am a sinner saved by grace.

Today’s thankful list . . .

More rain, better than forest fires!

Prayer with a friend.

A taxing workout with my trainer.

Long naps on the sofa.

Chicken soup and salmon sandwiches.

A time of fellowship with other women.

Technology.