Speaking truth in love

 

 

READ Proverbs 25-28

While childhood experiences are not excuses for adult behavior, they can be explanations. I missed most of elementary public school up to grade seven. Children of that age learn social skills from experiences like saying the wrong thing and being laughed at or doing the right thing and making a new friend. Missing all that has made me wonder how I can be so happy in solitude, or if I’m autistic in not knowing how to talk to others, and so on.

However, this ‘blank slate’ sensation has a plus side — when I became a Christian I also became more open to learning social skills from God rather than avoiding people or learning the hard way of trial and error. Even though Proverbs and the rest of Scripture teach that God’s way is not like human ways, which is another plus, even if it leads to some challenges.

A few verses in today’s reading go against the common way of doing things. For instance, if someone is sad, the usual method to cheer them is by saying positive things, but this bit of wisdom says, “Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.” (Proverbs 25:20)

A person told me that his ill spouse becomes easily depressed. He is very positive about everything with a view to a better future and tries to cheer her with those thoughts. But she isn’t helped by that, even gets angry at him and tells him to stop. I’ve learned from our conversations that depressed people can be frustrated by “be happy” because they are craving understanding and sympathy, not a solution. Telling them to be happy comes across as ‘your sadness bothers me so stop it’ and thus sounds selfish on their part.

My study in Job shows another side to this also. Job needed his friends to put their arms around him and be with him in his suffering, not try to explain it or ‘fix’ it with reasonings about its cause and what Job should be doing and thinking. Jesus did not insist that we sinners should smarten up. Instead, He took our place and bore our sorrows.

I’m no expert at compassion and sympathy. It does not come naturally to listen rather than my tendencies to offer solutions, but this verse does help me to listen and commiserate rather than trying to cheer up someone who is suffering.

Another verse that goes against popular thinking says, “A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin.” (Proverbs 26:28) Saying what is not true and flattery are both used to get on the good side of another person or sometimes to ‘help’ them when they are discouraged or feeling like a failure. But God says that words that build up need to be true words — and it may take time and thoughtfulness to find out the root issues and deal with them in a wise way.

Saying things like, “Oh, never mind how your boss treats you, you are a good worker” to someone who has been slacking off is not helpful. Truth may hurt, but kindness is never a lie or flattery. Two other verses show how God’s way is different and opposite to what many do in cases like this:

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:5–6)

Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with his tongue. (Proverbs 28:23)

Yes, truth can feel like someone is wounding me, but if my sadness or struggles are caused by an attitude or behavior in my own life, telling me I’m okay is a lie and not helpful at all.

Jesus said to the Jews who believed in Him: “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

They answered him, “We are offspring of Abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, ‘You will become free’?”

Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:31–36)

As a child of God, I’d rather hear truth that hurts and be set free than be governed by bad habits or wrong doing. And I ought to have that same desire for others to the point that my words reflect what God says rather than be conformed to the way the world operates. The challenge is always to speak those words in love that edifies — not with any attitude that puts anyone into a deeper pit.