Forgive but can’t forget?

One of the books on my computer is “Everyday Prayers” and I just read one about forgiveness. The pastor who wrote it described an unexpected encounter with someone who had deeply hurt him, but he thought he had forgiven this man. However, the pain came back and he realized thad he had not truly done so.

Years ago I taught a seminar on forgiveness. One point was that the slogan “forgive and forget” is not true. God does use the word “forgive” but it is usually in regard to Him forgiving us. When “forget” appears, it is often about the feeling of being abandoned. The Bible says my sin was forgiven in that He no longer holds it against me: “As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12) But God does not forget anything.

That is, because of Christ, forgiveness is making a choice to not hold the sin of someone else against me. God does not forget and I may not either, but like the choice of not being upset all day against the person who cut me off on the freeway, I can choose to not hold the sin of another against them. The man who wrote the prayer about his own failure to forgive said: “I may never enjoy the gift of my brother’s repentance, at least this side of heaven, but there’s no justification for me tying my repentance to his.”

Years ago, a person I still spend time with told me a lie. When I realized it, trust in that person fell in a black hole and stayed there. I’d hoped for an admission of the lie (it wasn’t about me but about that person’s own mistakes) but it never came. Instead, it grew and became part of many incidents and choices, all based on that one lie.

Most often I think if a person lies about one thing, they will do it with other things, so my trust level could not crawl out of that hole, nor could I enjoy that person’s company. Every statement made me wonder if it was true, or a figment of imagination, or a bald-faced lie.
This morning, that statement from the prayer struck me as vital to my spiritual life: “I may never enjoy the gift of my brother’s repentance, at least this side of heaven, but there’s no justification for me tying my repentance to his.” My lack of forgiveness is a barricade. Jesus says it more than once:

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matthew 6:12–15)
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25)
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Colossians 3:13)

A long time ago, someone else sinned against me in a far worse manner. This person would not respond to or accept forgiveness or even talk to me. So I put a chair in front of me, imagined that person in it, and then described my pain and expressed my decision to forgive. This meant not to hold that sin against that person, not that I could forget that it happened. 
God is reminding me to do this again. The one who lied is His child and He is the Father who makes the decision about what to do concerning that sin — my role is not to play God — as if I could.

PRAY: Thank You. Lack of forgiveness is not always on my mind nor an obvious block to my relationship with You, but this morning I can see it — and also know that Your choice is to remove it from me. Thank You, thank You.

Messengers of Peace

 

Last night’s small group study in Joshua focused on the time when the Israelites returned to the east side of the Jordan river to live after Joshua led all the tribes to victory. Those who stayed in the conquered territory became angry and wanted to go to war with the other three. Their anger was not about the move but that they had built an altar and this was against the will of God. The issue was settled peacefully, but someone noticed that Joshua was not mentioned and wondered why their leader did not deal with this conflict.

Jesus says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9). Was Joshua neglecting his duty? Or did he decide to stay out of it and let them figure it out for themselves? Why was he not involved? Since Joshua is a type of Christ, does this say something to us about conflict in the church?

Today’s devotional says that God’s people are messengers of peace with two main responsibilities. One is to help others make peace with God. We do this by sharing the Gospel with them and by praying for them. Romans 10:15 says, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring glad tidings of good things!”

MacArthur says our second responsibility is to help reconcile believers to one another. While the Bible tells the dangers of conflict between people, I’m not able to recall verses that tell a third party to intervene. First, the danger of conflicts:

So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23–24)

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25)

If I am involved in a conflict, my communion with God is blocked. Conflict is about seeking or having my own way. It is not an issue if my heart is set to love God and love others.

However, what do I do with disputes that do not involve me? Moses did act as a judge and representing the Law. However, Acts 7 tells how his actions in Egypt were misunderstood. A person who wronged his neighbor pushed Moses aside and said, “Who made you a ruler and a judge over us?” Perhaps Joshua stepped back for that reason. He didn’t see himself in that role or did not want that role.

 Much later, Jesus was speaking when a man said to Him, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me,” He replied, “Man, who made me a judge or arbitrator over you?” (Luke 12:13–14) Another passage says this:

Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. (Romans 2:1)

Who am I to determine right and wrong between other people? I am a sinner too. Also, in the past, I’ve had people come to me with complaints against another person. I’ve told them to talk to the other person and to God; I’m not their advocate. Sometimes I’ve pointed them to their responsibility to forgive, but refuse to decide who is guilty and who is innocent. For one thing, in most disputes, all are guilty of something.

Besides, is it up to me to defend one side against the other? I can point people to godly principles, but never say negative things about either person, especially because I don’t know the whole story. I can bring them together and ask them to deal with it in a biblical way, but only God can know their hearts and change their thinking.

I’m warned not to avoid spiritual conflicts, but instead speak the truth in love, whether it is the Gospel needed, or a gracious word about resolving differences and forgiveness. Yet I need to keep my own heart out of it, never taking sides but seeking justice, the glory of God, and humbly pursuing His peace.

Jesus, I’m thankful that conflict in my church is so rare that no one hears much about it and that Your peace is so lovely that no one wants to lose it. I know that if You call me to be a peacemaker, my own heart must be at peace. Far better to focus on who You are and what You are doing than getting involved in any friction — unless You specifically tell me to do so. Keep me listening. Also, grant me whatever I need to share God’s peace with those who do not know Christ. Enable me to guard my own heart.

REMEMBER: 2 Corinthians 5:17–21 tells me I am a citizen of heaven and God’s ambassador, here to tell others how they can be reconciled to God through faith in Christ and His sacrifice for all. Being reconciled to God goes a long way toward eliminating conflict.