Since coming home from the hospital, my heart is beating
because of a small computer in my chest and a battery that keeps it going. I’ve
felt fine physically but not emotionally. This is difficult to describe other
than I’ve been abnormally and deeply sad.
I had all kinds of strange idea floating through my mind. God
gives joy, but He seemed absent. Did a zapped node somehow disconnected my
heart from the living God? With my heart running on a machine, am I still me? The
enemy would like me to think that, but as I ponder these ideas, it is plainly
bad theology to think that God is out of the picture, replaced by a machine.
I asked the Lord to show me what was going on. He reminded
me of our son’s accident when he lost two fingers to a sawmill blade. He still
‘feels’ them and has no control over that sensation called phantom pain. This
made me think about people who lose limbs and are fitted with artificial arm or
legs. How does that affect them? How do they feel about their fake limb? Is it
foreign? Or part of their body? Obviously, there is post-traumatic stress that
is impossible to simply turn off. Was that my problem?
Persistent sadness is not normal for me. I’m a firm
believer that emotions are related to how a person is thinking. That is, if I
am thinking an error it will affect how I feel. In this case, the thoughts need
to be exposed.
With all that in mind, I read this passage in today’s
devotional. It is God speaking through the prophet Joel . . .
“And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh; your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, and your young men shall see visions. Even on the male and female servants in those days I will pour out my Spirit. And I will show wonders in the heavens and on the earth, blood and fire and columns of smoke. The sun shall be turned to darkness, and the moon to blood, before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes. And it shall come to pass that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved. For in Mount Zion and in Jerusalem there shall be those who escape, as the Lord has said, and among the survivors shall be those whom the Lord calls.” (Joel 2:28–32)
Sometimes the biggest blessing comes from what the Bible
does NOT say. God promises to pour out His Spirit on ALL flesh, not just those
who have real limbs. He isn’t leaving out people with peg legs and artificial
hands, nor those who wear glasses (to supplement eyes of flesh). In other
words, a person’s body does not have to be perfect to qualify for the promise
of the Holy Spirit. Was I thinking it was? (Not consciously, but many of us are
caught in that trap, particularly women . . . ‘if only I had a perfect body’ .
. . and it fuels the cosmetic and clothing industry.)
That led me to another verse where Jesus said, “If anyone
loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come
to him and make Our home with him." (John 14:23)
God lives in me. It is not about the mechanics of my body
but about the Holy Spirit who gave me a heart that loves and obeys Him. I could
walk in sinful, selfish, even fleshy ways but my behavior is not about
batteries or computers. I’m to say no to a heart that is determined to do its
own thing, batteries or otherwise.
Somewhere in all this, it became clear that my body was unconsciously
reacting to a loss. Then God reminded me of a favorite memorized verse. With
this one, the grief and sadness lifted and joy returned . . .
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73:26)
^^^^^^^^^
Jesus, what a wonder You are. You don’t concern yourself
with the secondary source of power — a battery or a computer. You concentrate
on giving grace that will enable me to yield to my primary source of life. Nothing,
even machines can function without Your blessing on them. What matters to You
is that I am yielded to You. So I am part human, part computer, but You have
not changed. You are still my Savior, the same yesterday, today and forever!
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