The body knows a loss — the heart knows a great gain

Since coming home from the hospital, my heart is beating because of a small computer in my chest and a battery that keeps it going. I’ve felt fine physically but not emotionally. This is difficult to describe other than I’ve been abnormally and deeply sad.

I had all kinds of strange idea floating through my mind. God gives joy, but He seemed absent. Did a zapped node somehow disconnected my heart from the living God? With my heart running on a machine, am I still me? The enemy would like me to think that, but as I ponder these ideas, it is plainly bad theology to think that God is out of the picture, replaced by a machine.

I asked the Lord to show me what was going on. He reminded me of our son’s accident when he lost two fingers to a sawmill blade. He still ‘feels’ them and has no control over that sensation called phantom pain. This made me think about people who lose limbs and are fitted with artificial arm or legs. How does that affect them? How do they feel about their fake limb? Is it foreign? Or part of their body? Obviously, there is post-traumatic stress that is impossible to simply turn off. Was that my problem?

Persistent sadness is not normal for me. I’m a firm believer that emotions are related to how a person is thinking. That is, if I am thinking an error it will affect how I feel. In this case, the thoughts need to be exposed.

With all that in mind, I read this passage in today’s devotional. It is God speaking through the prophet Joel . . .

“And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh; your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, and your young men shall see visions. Even on the male and female servants in those days I will pour out my Spirit. And I will show wonders in the heavens and on the earth, blood and fire and columns of smoke. The sun shall be turned to darkness, and the moon to blood, before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes. And it shall come to pass that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved. For in Mount Zion and in Jerusalem there shall be those who escape, as the Lord has said, and among the survivors shall be those whom the Lord calls.” (Joel 2:28–32)

Sometimes the biggest blessing comes from what the Bible does NOT say. God promises to pour out His Spirit on ALL flesh, not just those who have real limbs. He isn’t leaving out people with peg legs and artificial hands, nor those who wear glasses (to supplement eyes of flesh). In other words, a person’s body does not have to be perfect to qualify for the promise of the Holy Spirit. Was I thinking it was? (Not consciously, but many of us are caught in that trap, particularly women . . . ‘if only I had a perfect body’ . . . and it fuels the cosmetic and clothing industry.)

That led me to another verse where Jesus said, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him." (John 14:23)

God lives in me. It is not about the mechanics of my body but about the Holy Spirit who gave me a heart that loves and obeys Him. I could walk in sinful, selfish, even fleshy ways but my behavior is not about batteries or computers. I’m to say no to a heart that is determined to do its own thing, batteries or otherwise.

Somewhere in all this, it became clear that my body was unconsciously reacting to a loss. Then God reminded me of a favorite memorized verse. With this one, the grief and sadness lifted and joy returned . . .

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73:26)

^^^^^^^^^

Jesus, what a wonder You are. You don’t concern yourself with the secondary source of power — a battery or a computer. You concentrate on giving grace that will enable me to yield to my primary source of life. Nothing, even machines can function without Your blessing on them. What matters to You is that I am yielded to You. So I am part human, part computer, but You have not changed. You are still my Savior, the same yesterday, today and forever!

Three problems, three answers

Three issues tend to meddle with my prayer life. One of them is not knowing how to pray other than the obvious needs I see around me. God’s answer to this is to use the prayers in Scripture. Here are two examples . . .

Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison— that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak. Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. (Colossians 4:2–6)

Epaphras, who is one of you, a servant of Christ Jesus, greets you, always struggling on your behalf in his prayers, that you may stand mature and fully assured in all the will of God. (Colossians 4:12)

These verses tell me to keep at it, be thankful, pray for other Christians that they will boldly and clearly share the Gospel in gracious and wise speech, and that each one will rely on Christ (maturity) and know the will of God as they serve Him. God’s Word tells me how to pray.

Another problem is becoming overwhelmed with the problems of life. I might feel alone in my struggles, unable to talk to God about them. The Bible is filled with examples. For instance, as Ahab and Jezebel sought to destroy the prophet Elijah, instead of seeking support from others, he fled into the wilderness and was by himself in a cave. There, “He wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?’ He said, ‘I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.’” (1 Kings 19:13–14)

I can do that – run off into hiding when I feel threatened. Thankfully, God does meet me in my fears. He did the same for the Israelites when they ran away for a different reason than did Elijah. As they were escaping the bondage in Egypt, life became tough and they began to complain rather than pray. This sounds so familiar!

They said to Moses, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: ‘Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.” And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” The Lord said to Moses, “Why do you cry to me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward. Lift up your staff, and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the people of Israel may go through the sea on dry ground. (Exodus 14:11–16)

God rescued them after Moses cried out to Him. I know the feeling of being alone and unable to call out to God for myself. His answer is to seek the prayer support of others. I am not alone.

Another problem is feeling so overwhelmed by my failures that prayer seems impossible. This happened when the people of God went back to their land after being in exile. They heard the Word of God and were weeping because of how long they had been in disobedience . . .

And Nehemiah, who was the governor, and Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to all the people, “This day is holy to the Lord your God; do not mourn or weep.” For all the people wept as they heard the words of the Law. Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” So the Levites calmed all the people, saying, “Be quiet, for this day is holy; do not be grieved.” And all the people went their way to eat and drink and to send portions and to make great rejoicing, because they had understood the words that were declared to them. (Nehemiah 8:9–12)

God used their leaders to remind them that God had brought them back. They were in a holy place and He was feeding them in more ways than one. His answer to their need, and mine, is to hear not only the conviction of His Word, but also its comfort. Be in Bible study with others. Attend church. Do not weep alone.

Lord, I’m grateful that You understand the human heart and that You provide what we need to keep us strong and supported in prayer as well as convicted and comforted. Thank You for feeding me. 

Choose grace

There is a saying, “The same sun that softens the wax also hardens the clay.” That is true also for suffering. The good that can come from it is not automatic. One man loses his wife and he becomes more tender and with greater sympathy for others. Another faces the same loss and it makes him bitter and hard. One woman has a great sorrow and it turns her to God. Another has a similar experience and she is never seen inside a church again.

Today’s devotional reading points this out. Trouble in itself is neither positive nor negative. The result depends on my reaction. God offers grace to use sorrow creatively and to force it to yield up its hidden blessings, but I do not always rise to that. My negative reactions throw barricades against the will of God to bless me. And if it is not a negative reaction, it will be my own attempts to solve, eradicate or somehow escape the trouble.

My concern with suffering starts out as if I’m trying to find an explanation for it and for my own ineffective responses. I think that if I can find a reason for it, then I will cope, but what I really want is victory. Even if I come up with answers to those questions and fully understand the “why” of pain or loss or inability, I’d still have to bear that pain, loss, inability. The bottom line is that I really want and need the grace of God. If I cannot be rid of the suffering, then I want Him to help me stand under it. And that is why God gave me Jesus Christ.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (Romans 8:37)

When life gets hard, people come up with various coping mechanisms. Some use pills, booze, or distractions. Some pray, or become involved in work or play. These might work for a little while, but not for the long run. God has a better solution, and I’m always amazed at His way of dealing with the difficulties in my life. He uses truth.

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31–32)

Before I got out of bed this morning, I felt overwhelmed. This week’s module in the current course I’m taking has three times as many lectures as a normal week, and hundreds of pages of reading. My prayer list is heavy, as are other responsibilities. I wanted to escape, run away from home, or at least think about something more pleasurable. However, my spirit was saying I should rise to this, not run away, not even for a moment.

As I wrestled with not wanting to do that, yet also wanting to respond to all this in a way that honors God, the Lord put a verse into my mind that I’d learned years ago. Instantly, my wrestling match ended. Those weighty circumstances have not changed, but my attitude is more like it should be. I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me.

God knows how to bring me closer to Him. It is by giving me challenges that I cannot handle without Him. Will I choose some sort of escape as I suffer this sense of helplessness? Or will I turn to Him who holds out all the answers to my questions, and even better, offers a liberating grace that gives me truth to bear all challenges without folding up under their power? Thankfully, His grace also includes the power to make the best choice.

Daily strength, daily received

Events in our community verify that life can change in an instant. A child was killed by a stray bullet while asleep in his home. A man fell from a balcony and was gravely injured. An apartment burned leaving people homeless. A seemingly healthy husband and father discovered he is terminally ill. A business suddenly closes leaving several people without work.

For me, this speaks of how dependent I am on the Lord. My life is physically comfortable, but what would it be if our home burned? I feel safe, but how would I feel if our neighborhood had drive-by shootings? I’m healthy, but what would happen to my plans should my doctor tell me I had only weeks to live? My husband has a good job, yet what if he became unemployed?

My husband is the first person to say “Don’t ‘what if’” yet I’m not sure these are totally negative and pessimistic questions. Sometimes such thinking forces me into reestablishing my priorities, or at least being more thankful for our blessings. Certainly it makes me aware of how much I need to rely on God to take care of things.

Spurgeon brings this to a daily experience, reminding me that my spiritual life is also totally dependent on the grace of God. For that reason, and for the unexpected events of each day, I need to spend time with Him each day, feeding on His Word. Yesterday’s manna will not suffice. 

Morning by morning they gathered (manna), each as much as he could eat; but when the sun grew hot, it melted. (Exodus 16:21)

Spurgeon says to work hard to maintain that sense of entire dependence on the Lord’s goodness. I’m never to attempt living on the old manna, just as I’m not to look for help from the secular world. All that I need is supplied by Jesus Christ. Yesterday’s blessings are not intended to meet today’s needs. For that, I need a fresh word from Him each day.

Manna does not last long because my spirit can quickly falter. I also quickly forget what God spoke to me about in the past. Besides, God may put me on a mountain top today, but tomorrow take me into a valley. I might see His face yesterday, but He hides it from me today. The past can build a foundation, but each day has its own demands.

I know that God loves me and nothing can separate me from His love, yet I also know that He is the source of all goodness. He could withdraw joy from my heart, light from my eyes, or strength from my life. Jesus told His disciples to pray for their daily bread for good reason. His promise is that “as our days our strength shall be.” That means seeking daily grace, daily understanding, and relying on that mercy that is “new every morning.”

He wisely designed this daily need because He knows that in ourselves we need daily reminding and daily replenishing. We also need to discover that His supply is never exhausted. In my need and utter inability to do anything without Him, He continually supplies all and more because of His inexhaustible love.

**************

Father, knowing that no matter what happens I can run to You gives my soul nourishment. I’ve no idea what this day will bring, yet You know all my days. By telling me that You are here for me, I have no reason to be apprehensive. I will not enter the day carelessly either, but watchful and depending on You. Whether today is ‘normal’ or goes to the other extreme, You assure me that no matter my experiences, You are in them with me.

To Live is Christ — letting the Word do its work

Yesterday morning I had a dentist appointment. In the few hours before, my head kept filling up with nasty thoughts. I knew they were nasty (Duh) because the Word of God had reproved or convicted me on such thoughts before. That I needed to quit thinking like that was a no-brainer. The problem was in how to quit! It was as if someone told me not to think about apples. Guess what? That was all I’d think about.

However, my devotional verses did manage to get through the mess. I remembered them several times. 

All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16–17)

These verses describe how the Bible is profitable for reproof. This word means to examine and show error. Lots of people don’t like reading Scripture for that very reason. It makes them feel guilty of sin — but that is what it is supposed to do. 

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account. (Hebrews 4:12–13)

God’s living Book knows what I’m thinking and discerns my motives. Most people cannot do that, but He can. I am not hidden from His sight, nor can the inner workings of my grey matter escape His reproof.

However, I already had the “reproving” part yesterday morning. What I needed was the “correction” part — and perhaps the “instruction in righteousness” part, but try as I might, I could not get rid of the nasty thoughts. They needed replacing, but I was having a tough time doing that. Everything I did seemed to remind me of what I didn’t want to think.

Then the Holy Spirit showed me the answer to my dilemma. Of course I needed to agree with Him that these were nasty thoughts. No problem; 1 John 1:9 is a favorite verse. It says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I confessed.

Then He reminded me that He is here to help me . . . and into my head popped more Scripture. This I used to ask for His help . . . 

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)

At that instant, the Word of God demonstrated how it is profitable for correction and instruction in righteousness because the thoughts vanished. Gone, totally gone. Even now, I can remember what they were, but am not thinking them. They are like birds flying over, but not stopping to build a nest.

I didn’t know it at the time, but the battle yesterday morning called for a settled mind. The dentist (an oral surgeon) had put in a couple of implants two years ago. Today he had to remove one of them. It’s a long story, but when he asked the assistant for a torque wrench, I knew I was in trouble. The implant failed because the crown had been improperly placed AND improperly glued in place by my regular dentist. That meant the cement worked into the screw threads of the implant. This is a cement that is meant to last forever, but it needed to be unscrewed and removed. God knew I needed a godly attitude and a clear head to go through a painful ordeal.

His Word came through for me. His Book is not merely for church work or to give direction for huge moral issues. It is about daily life, even about random thoughts that can mess up attitudes and cause all sorts of problems. The pain killer is keeping my jaw from torturing me, but the Word of God and the Holy Spirit are keeping another sort of nastiness under control. For that, I am totally and humbly grateful.