Everyone is overjoyed that my heart is ‘fixed’ and beating properly. I’m not as elated as they are. I’m adjusting. How is a person to think when their body is part human, part computer? I feel emotionless, even odd, not physically though. The ‘fix’ has given me a sense of normal. I am no longer weak, wobbly, unpredictable in energy. But. This strange adjustment of knowing my heartbeat and life depends on a machine? If it stops, so do I (with a small ‘maybe’ attached). I’ve been asking the Lord how I am supposed to think about this oddity.
Tozer speaks of what the disciples went through after Jesus promised the Holy Spirit. They were taught, knew and loved Him, saw Him die and rise again, and all during this time, pointing them to the next thing — a “new and superior kind of life, an effusion of outpoured energy which they, at their best, did not yet enjoy.”
When I read that line, I was shocked at how it matches what I’m feeling, not in the same situation even though I love Jesus and am looking toward Him.
Tozer isn’t finished. Next, he says this . . . “Then our Lord rose from the dead and we have what we call the period of the preparation. They had stopped their activity at the specific command of the Lord. He said, “Tarry! You are about to receive that which has been promised . . . .” Sometimes you are going farther when you are not going anywhere; you are moving faster when you are not moving at all.”
Wait. He is saying to just wait. Peter did, and this is what later came after his waiting, after the Spirit filled him with that ‘superior kind of life’ never before enjoyed:
“’Let all the house of Israel therefore know for certain that God has made him both Lord and Christ, this Jesus whom you crucified.’ Now when they heard this they were cut to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, ‘Brothers, what shall we do?’ And Peter said to them, ‘Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself.’ And with many other words he bore witness and continued to exhort them, saying, ‘Save yourselves from this crooked generation.’ So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls.” (Acts 2:36–41)
After that, the world has never been the same.
For me, I’ve no idea what comes next. This new ‘computer’ could malfunction. This body could embrace and love it. So far, the relationship seems positive. As for my question about how to think, from this passage of Scripture, Tozer answers it. He finishes his thoughts with . . . “Oh, my heart, be still before Him.”
Jesus, Your joy starts creeping up on me. Maybe, after months, even years, of never knowing what a day would bring as far as energy and well-being, I am adjusting to ‘normal’. My physical heart is beating as it should and at the same time is now ‘still before You’ because of Your overwhelming goodness. Slowly, slowly I adjust.