Years ago I attended a seminar on how to counsel people in trouble. The speaker asked what would be a good response to someone sharing their story. I replied something about knowing how they felt and telling them my similar experiences. The speaker said, “Oh, that would be so unloving.”
At first I was shocked because I was thinking it was empathy, but soon realized that taking the focus off the person who was in need and putting it on my experiences was very selfish, never loving.
Now I’m seeing this when I share my own story, sometimes involving a problem and often sharing an answer to prayer. Instead of the listener asking questions or showing interest, they launch into their own similar experience and I feel as if a bus door was shut in my face and left without me.
Today’s devotional suggests this response connects to legalism because those who do this do not deny Christ; they only seek to add something to Him. Legalism is usually about ‘Christ and good works’ or ‘Christ and earnest feelings’ or ‘Christ and clear doctrines’ or ‘Christ and certain religious performances.’ All these may not be overtly sinful yet adding anything to Christ, no matter how good it may be, is to deny His completeness and exalt myself. So when someone is needy, I need to be like Christ, not add anything, particularly stuff about me.
In an attempt to show empathy, I can take at least two actions. One would be like the above example — using the situation to put attention on myself. It is subtle but often comes across as ‘look how I handled a situation like yours’ and selfish rather than being loving.
The other way to show that I understand is by keeping the other person in focus, maybe asking questions like, “How did that affect your feelings?” Or statements like, “That must have messed with your confidence.” Listening. Seeking understanding of them and their situation. The conversation is not about me.
Whether overt legalism or in talking to others, at root is that no one likes to admit helplessness. Sometimes I notice that I’d rather make a huge self-sacrifice rather than feeling helpless and worthless. I don’t want to say, ‘I don’t know the answer’ yet most of the time that other person needs a hug instead of a lecture or an explanation. It is unloving to put the focus on poor me instead of giving them whatever they need. After all, the greatest empathy toward a deeply needy person is going where they are and letting them know they are not alone in their feelings of uselessness or abandonment. Isn’t that what Jesus does? He is with us, loving us, even if He does not ‘fix’ the problem.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. (Psalm 34:2)When I sing songs like, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus” He reminds me that is a far better response to someone in need and far greater advice than ‘turn your eyes upon what happened to me.’ In this walk with Jesus, I must never forget that He and He alone is the sufficient supply for our every need.
PRAY: Jesus, forgive my selfish, attention-seeking ways, not only in conversations with ordinary folks, but in talking with those who share their problems and sorrows. It may help them to know they are not alone, but it is never helpful to add my problems to theirs — they have enough to deal with already. And if I feel helpless to and cannot do much, better to cry with them and admit my helplessness. I can always turn and ask You to show us that You are enough for both of our needs.
