Helpless to help the helpless?

 

Years ago I attended a seminar on how to counsel people in trouble. The speaker asked what would be a good response to someone sharing their story. I replied something about knowing how they felt and telling them my similar experiences. The speaker said, “Oh, that would be so unloving.”

At first I was shocked because I was thinking it was empathy, but soon realized that taking the focus off the person who was in need and putting it on my experiences was very selfish, never loving.

Now I’m seeing this when I share my own story, sometimes involving a problem and often sharing an answer to prayer. Instead of the listener asking questions or showing interest, they launch into their own similar experience and I feel as if a bus door was shut in my face and left without me.

Today’s devotional suggests this response connects to legalism because those who do this do not deny Christ; they only seek to add something to Him. Legalism is usually about ‘Christ and good works’ or ‘Christ and earnest feelings’ or ‘Christ and clear doctrines’ or ‘Christ and certain religious performances.’ All these may not be overtly sinful yet adding anything to Christ, no matter how good it may be, is to deny His completeness and exalt myself. So when someone is needy, I need to be like Christ, not add anything, particularly stuff about me.

In an attempt to show empathy, I can take at least two actions. One would be like the above example — using the situation to put attention on myself. It is subtle but often comes across as ‘look how I handled a situation like yours’ and selfish rather than being loving.

The other way to show that I understand is by keeping the other person in focus, maybe asking questions like, “How did that affect your feelings?” Or statements like, “That must have messed with your confidence.” Listening. Seeking understanding of them and their situation. The conversation is not about me.

Whether overt legalism or in talking to others, at root is that no one likes to admit helplessness. Sometimes I notice that I’d rather make a huge self-sacrifice rather than feeling helpless and worthless. I don’t want to say, ‘I don’t know the answer’ yet most of the time that other person needs a hug instead of a lecture or an explanation. It is unloving to put the focus on poor me instead of giving them whatever they need. After all, the greatest empathy toward a deeply needy person is going where they are and letting them know they are not alone in their feelings of uselessness or abandonment. Isn’t that what Jesus does? He is with us, loving us, even if He does not ‘fix’ the problem.

My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. (Psalm 34:2)

When I sing songs like, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus” He reminds me that is a far better response to someone in need and far greater advice than ‘turn your eyes upon what happened to me.’ In this walk with Jesus, I must never forget that He and He alone is the sufficient supply for our every need.

PRAY: Jesus, forgive my selfish, attention-seeking ways, not only in conversations with ordinary folks, but in talking with those who share their problems and sorrows. It may help them to know they are not alone, but it is never helpful to add my problems to theirs — they have enough to deal with already. And if I feel helpless to and cannot do much, better to cry with them and admit my helplessness. I can always turn and ask You to show us that You are enough for both of our needs.

Be wise with prayer requests

My hubby and I get together twice a month with another couple to pray for our adult children and our grandchildren. We have done this for many years and agree that the changes in our family are slow. The great change is in us and how we pray. Our requests once concerned temporal needs. Now it is for spiritual needs and eternal well-being.

The Apostle Paul seems to have learned this much quicker than we did. He prayed continually about the spiritual needs of the churches and people under his care, and gave instruction for prayer, even personal prayer requests.

. . .  take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak. (Ephesians 6:17–20)

Paul was in jail. The natural inclination would be prayers for his release, but in his letter to the church at Philippi, after lengthy prayers for their well-being, he said:

I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ. And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear. (Philippians 1:12–14)

Paul saw God’s hand in his situation. Even though he was in a horrible place that was nothing like the prisons of today, he realized that God was using this for good. Had his Christian coworkers prayed for his release, they would have been asking out of God’s will.

Chambers makes an easy connection to my prayers; praying in the will of God could means hardship for others. If I intercede in sympathy with their trials, I could be messing with God’s plan to lift them to a higher level. For instance, if my prayers have been for someone’s salvation, God could be answering that prayer with trials, sickness, or other hardships. I need to seek His will before quickly praying the usual request for comfort.

This makes prayer a deeper challenge. I need to be sure of God. I can sidetrack my relationship with Him by sin, but also with personal sympathy and prejudice. Sympathy has this ‘I will not allow that thing to happen’ way of thinking. It is like Peter’s statement to Jesus when He said He would be crucified:

From that time Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen to you.” But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” (Matthew 16:21–23)

This strong rebuke shows the importance of God’s will in our prayers. Jesus called Pater ‘Satan’ and exposed a fleshy focus that was sinful. I don’t want to pray that way for myself or others.

Chambers also says that if I am an intercessor, then I will not have time or inclination to pray for my own ‘sad sweet self’ because I will not be thinking about myself at all. If that were not challenge enough, Chambers also says that the discernment that God gives is always a call to intercession, never to fault finding. In other words, having a critical spirit also messes with the will of God because it usually prevents me from praying at all. Without prayer, I have stepped away from my most vital connection to Him.