Years ago I attended a seminar on how to counsel people in trouble. The speaker asked what would be a good response to someone sharing their story. I replied something about knowing how they felt and telling them my similar experiences. The speaker said, “Oh, that would be so unloving.”
At first I was shocked because I was thinking it was empathy, but soon realized that taking the focus off the person who was in need and putting it on my experiences was very selfish, never loving.
Now I’m seeing this when I share my own story, sometimes involving a problem and often sharing an answer to prayer. Instead of the listener asking questions or showing interest, they launch into their own similar experience and I feel as if a bus door was shut in my face and left without me.
Today’s devotional suggests this response connects to legalism because those who do this do not deny Christ; they only seek to add something to Him. Legalism is usually about ‘Christ and good works’ or ‘Christ and earnest feelings’ or ‘Christ and clear doctrines’ or ‘Christ and certain religious performances.’ All these may not be overtly sinful yet adding anything to Christ, no matter how good it may be, is to deny His completeness and exalt myself. So when someone is needy, I need to be like Christ, not add anything, particularly stuff about me.
In an attempt to show empathy, I can take at least two actions. One would be like the above example — using the situation to put attention on myself. It is subtle but often comes across as ‘look how I handled a situation like yours’ and selfish rather than being loving.
The other way to show that I understand is by keeping the other person in focus, maybe asking questions like, “How did that affect your feelings?” Or statements like, “That must have messed with your confidence.” Listening. Seeking understanding of them and their situation. The conversation is not about me.
Whether overt legalism or in talking to others, at root is that no one likes to admit helplessness. Sometimes I notice that I’d rather make a huge self-sacrifice rather than feeling helpless and worthless. I don’t want to say, ‘I don’t know the answer’ yet most of the time that other person needs a hug instead of a lecture or an explanation. It is unloving to put the focus on poor me instead of giving them whatever they need. After all, the greatest empathy toward a deeply needy person is going where they are and letting them know they are not alone in their feelings of uselessness or abandonment. Isn’t that what Jesus does? He is with us, loving us, even if He does not ‘fix’ the problem.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. (Psalm 34:2)
When I sing songs like, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus” He reminds me that is a far better response to someone in need and far greater advice than ‘turn your eyes upon what happened to me.’ In this walk with Jesus, I must never forget that He and He alone is the sufficient supply for our every need.
PRAY: Jesus, forgive my selfish, attention-seeking ways, not only in conversations with ordinary folks, but in talking with those who share their problems and sorrows. It may help them to know they are not alone, but it is never helpful to add my problems to theirs — they have enough to deal with already. And if I feel helpless to and cannot do much, better to cry with them and admit my helplessness. I can always turn and ask You to show us that You are enough for both of our needs.
Most Christians lament that we tend to try everything we know first, then when all of that fails, we run to God for help. We know that the saying, “God helps those who help themselves” is totally not true. In fact, the Bible says:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (Proverbs 3:5–6)
Throughout Scripture the Lord emphasizes that His people are to be humble, not self-sufficient. He says things like . . .
For the LORD takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with salvation. (Psalm 149:4)
My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. (Psalm 34:2)
He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. (Psalm 25:9)
One of my favorite passages about what I should trust is even more specific. It says that no matter what my strengths are, knowing and trusting God is more important.
Thus says the LORD: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the LORD.” (Jeremiah 9:23–24)
Walking with Christ is not about my IQ, power or riches. It is about relationship. If I know and understand God, I am wise, powerful and wealthy beyond compare. He is loving, just and righteous and delights in these things. He wants me to live in the same way because these things are good and give Him pleasure.
That being said, Spurgeon got my attention this morning with this line from today’s devotional reading: “There is no getting at our God sometimes because of the multitude of our friends . . .” The verses above say that self-sufficiency, pride, intelligence, abilities and wealth can get between me and God. Spurgeon says so can my friends.
He explains by pointing out that all of us easily rely on ourselves and human deliverance. When we are in trouble, we call someone or several people for help. However, by doing this, we miss the blessing that comes from being “so poor, so friendless, so helpless that (we have) nowhere else to turn” and then fly to our Father’s arms. We know little of God because we trust Him with little.
On the other hand, if my troubles are so difficult that I cannot tell them to anyone but God, I will learn more about Him than at any other time. It is when I have only God to trust and then put my full confidence in Him that I realize all my doubts and fears have no ground. My faith grows when I trust Him alone. Also, God is glorified by that priority of faith.
Spurgeon suggests that faith in God alone shows the world that God is worth ten thousand other kinds of help. It shows the wise that childlike faith is powerful — because God is powerful. It shows the rich how rich I am in my poverty — because God is rich in His resources to help me. It shows the strong how strong I am in my weakness — because His strength is perfected in our weakness.
God glorifies Himself the most when I am the most helpless. He magnifies His might in the middle of my distress. Faith loses its glory if it rested on anything other than Him, even others who know Him and are my friends.
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Lord, You have taught me that You alone are all that I need. Yes, friends and fellowship are Your provision and a blessing to me, yet You remind me that I can run to them when I instead need to run to You. May I honor You by trusting You first and coming to You first, instead of making You my last resort.
