Good comes out of pain and tragedy

I’m one of those people who does not laugh at the so-called funny videos of people falling. I feel physical pain when I see them. Yesterday’s nap and last night’s sleep were violently interrupted by the same vision. Our granddaughter had described to us her horrific fall and every time I shut my eyes, I could see it, and feel her pain, and usually started crying.

This event in our lives has done more than deepen my empathy. This young woman has a most marvelous attitude. She is not angry. There is pain but no complaining. I tend to compete, blame, or judge and she cheerfully corrects my attitudes without making me feel condemned, just gently reminded. Does she know this verse? 

If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world. The one who rejects me and does not receive my words has a judge; the word that I have spoken will judge him on the last day. For I have not spoken on my own authority, but the Father who sent me has himself given me a commandment—what to say and what to speak. And I know that his commandment is eternal life. What I say, therefore, I say as the Father has told me.” (John 12:47–50)

I’m getting a strong example of what it means to be like Jesus. It is as if her recent fall and injuries destroyed selfishness and self-pity and gave her His peace and joy. We marvel at how someone with casts and braces on all four limbs can be this way. Did the fall do it? Is the Father sending her in her brokenness to rebuke me in my thoughtlessness? Whatever else is going on, I’m feeling like the disciples must have felt when Jesus washed their feet:

When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. (John 13:12–17)

The one time someone did this literally was both humbling and an expression of humility. While my feet were not covered in the stuff of walking barefoot, having them washed has an effect that is difficult to describe, yet it clearly expresses loving care. This is why Jesus said:

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34–35)

In love, we visit and support our broken and bleeding granddaughter. I love, she is behaving in love toward us, her nurses, and even the people who could not fix her phone. She is like the Lord Jesus when He showed no sign of His own needs (He was on the way to the Cross) as He cared for these men who were at that time so oblivious to all else but themselves. Again, all I can say is “only God” and marvel at His grace.

PRAY: Our lives constantly face challenges. This one is huge and multifaceted, giving us an understanding of You that is new, and wonderful, and at the same time almost terrifying. Such power to save, both physically and spiritually. She could easily have died. She could, like most people, be angry at the world, blaming and in misery. Only You can take tragedy and make it good, even amazingly beautiful. 

Helpless to help the helpless?

 

Years ago I attended a seminar on how to counsel people in trouble. The speaker asked what would be a good response to someone sharing their story. I replied something about knowing how they felt and telling them my similar experiences. The speaker said, “Oh, that would be so unloving.”

At first I was shocked because I was thinking it was empathy, but soon realized that taking the focus off the person who was in need and putting it on my experiences was very selfish, never loving.

Now I’m seeing this when I share my own story, sometimes involving a problem and often sharing an answer to prayer. Instead of the listener asking questions or showing interest, they launch into their own similar experience and I feel as if a bus door was shut in my face and left without me.

Today’s devotional suggests this response connects to legalism because those who do this do not deny Christ; they only seek to add something to Him. Legalism is usually about ‘Christ and good works’ or ‘Christ and earnest feelings’ or ‘Christ and clear doctrines’ or ‘Christ and certain religious performances.’ All these may not be overtly sinful yet adding anything to Christ, no matter how good it may be, is to deny His completeness and exalt myself. So when someone is needy, I need to be like Christ, not add anything, particularly stuff about me.

In an attempt to show empathy, I can take at least two actions. One would be like the above example — using the situation to put attention on myself. It is subtle but often comes across as ‘look how I handled a situation like yours’ and selfish rather than being loving.

The other way to show that I understand is by keeping the other person in focus, maybe asking questions like, “How did that affect your feelings?” Or statements like, “That must have messed with your confidence.” Listening. Seeking understanding of them and their situation. The conversation is not about me.

Whether overt legalism or in talking to others, at root is that no one likes to admit helplessness. Sometimes I notice that I’d rather make a huge self-sacrifice rather than feeling helpless and worthless. I don’t want to say, ‘I don’t know the answer’ yet most of the time that other person needs a hug instead of a lecture or an explanation. It is unloving to put the focus on poor me instead of giving them whatever they need. After all, the greatest empathy toward a deeply needy person is going where they are and letting them know they are not alone in their feelings of uselessness or abandonment. Isn’t that what Jesus does? He is with us, loving us, even if He does not ‘fix’ the problem.

My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. (Psalm 34:2)

When I sing songs like, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus” He reminds me that is a far better response to someone in need and far greater advice than ‘turn your eyes upon what happened to me.’ In this walk with Jesus, I must never forget that He and He alone is the sufficient supply for our every need.

PRAY: Jesus, forgive my selfish, attention-seeking ways, not only in conversations with ordinary folks, but in talking with those who share their problems and sorrows. It may help them to know they are not alone, but it is never helpful to add my problems to theirs — they have enough to deal with already. And if I feel helpless to and cannot do much, better to cry with them and admit my helplessness. I can always turn and ask You to show us that You are enough for both of our needs.

Responding to the pain of others

 

 

READ Job 17-20

A few people I know tend to glean their analysis of many situations from anecdotal incidents in their personal experience. For instance, when told about a person who broke their leg in a car accident, they relate to their nephew who broke his leg in a car accident caused by speeding, then assumes the other broken leg was the result of bad driving also. This assumption continues even when told that the victim had been hit by another car. In other words, the one who assumes also assumes that he cannot be wrong and goes on talking about the folly of speeding or whatever he thinks is the issue.

This is what Job’s ‘friends’ did to him. Bildad heard Job’s anguish and compared it to the anguish of the wicked, assuming both were caused by the same thing.

Job explained that his suffering was not just his losses, but that everyone had abandoned him. Even God was silent and not giving him the comfort he craved.

“He has made me a byword of the peoples, and I am one before whom men spit. My eye has grown dim from vexation, and all my members are like a shadow. The upright are appalled at this, and the innocent stirs himself up against the godless. Yet the righteous holds to his way, and he who has clean hands grows stronger and stronger. But you, come on again, all of you, and I shall not find a wise man among you.” (Job 17:6–10)

After Job’s anguished words, Bildad speaks of how God punishes the wicked. What he said has truth in it, but his words do not apply to Job’s situation. Instead of listening to his hurt, Bildad assumes that because Job is suffering so much, he must be a wicked person.

Job hangs in there. He says what he is certain of. Even though everyone has deserted him and treats him as an outcast, in his heart his faith stands firm:

“Oh that my words were written! Oh that they were inscribed in a book! Oh that with an iron pen and lead they were engraved in the rock forever! For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another. My heart faints within me!” (Job 19:23–27)

Job knows his fate is not the same as the unrighteous people his ‘friends’ talk about, yet even this declaration of faith is ignored. Zophar carries on the same way as Bildad, speaking of the shortness of life and how short are the joys of the wicked. Again, he is assuming that whatever goodness Job had enjoyed was short-lived and now he was paying the price of his sin.

“Therefore my thoughts answer me (Zophar speaking), because of my haste within me. I hear censure that insults me, and out of my understanding a spirit answers me. Do you not know this from of old, since man was placed on earth, that the exulting of the wicked is short, and the joy of the godless but for a moment? Though his height mount up to the heavens, and his head reach to the clouds, he will perish forever like his own dung; those who have seen him will say, ‘Where is he?’” (Job 20:2–7)

I can relate, not to Job’s losses nor the depth of his anguish, but I know a little of how he feels at words like those aimed at him. When I share a problem and the listener relates it to a similar problem concerning another person, it seems to me that listener has no concern for me and just wants to show off their ‘wisdom’ about such problems. From this, and from Job, I realize how hurtful this is. Even if the other person is trying to share that they understand what I am going through from their own experiences, this kind of response is seldom helpful.

Once I was at a seminar where the speaker asked what anyone could do when someone told them about the pain they were going through. I spoke up saying something about sharing my own pain so that person would know I understood. The speaker said, “Oh, what an unloving thing to do.” It took me a long time to figure out why she said that, and how true it was. Do not burden a hurting person by directing their attention to the hurts of someone else. It adds to their burden, but it also says their pain isn’t my focus. God never does that. Neither should Job’s ‘friends’ have done that, and I should never do that either.

The best we can do is weep with those who weep.