Shut the door on doubts…

Occasionally I pray this from the Bible, always expecting an answer yet dreading it:

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (Psalm 139:23–24)

One way God answers is by dreams. In them, I’m doing something that shocks me and makes me feel shame when I wake up. If I question God about it, He usually replies with something like, “Would you rather find out your sinfulness in real life?”

I had a dream like that last night. It repeats in various forms and this time I woke up doubting that God would ever purify my selfishness to the point that this dream would never again happen. However, today’s devotional took a bull’s eye shot at that notion. It was about the selfishness of doubting, saying that to some people doubting God is a luxury, a ‘poor me’ attitude that is just as hard to give up as any self-centered indulgence.

The author says, “Do not your doubts come trooping to your door like a company of sympathizing friends who appreciate your hard case and have come to console you? Is it no luxury to sit down with them, entertain them, listen to their arguments, and join in with their condolences? Wouldn’t it be real self-denial to turn from them and refuse to hear a word they have to say? Try it and see.”

This author gives the example of brooding over someone’s unkindness that produces that ‘poor me, how I have suffered’ focus that turns love for God into a ‘God has forsaken me, does not love me, and I am too sinful for Him to care for and transform.’ All that self-pity is actually easier to live with than the sinfulness He exposes and the obedience He is asking for!

This brings to mind the faith of Abraham when he was commanded by God to slay his son, the one through whom God's promise depended on. How could God bless this patriarch as the father of nations if his son was dead? But not a shred of self-pity in this man. He took his boy up a mountain and laid him on an altar. Only then did God intervene and provide a substitute sacrifice.

My selfishness in this dream is about being willing to sacrifice everything I want and serve the Lord alone. No other gods, no idols, no ‘I wants’ that go against what He wants. I know the importance of obedience. The OT puts it this way:

“If you are not careful to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that you may fear this glorious and awesome name, the Lord your God, then the Lord will bring on you and your offspring extraordinary afflictions, afflictions severe and lasting, and sicknesses grievous and lasting. And he will bring upon you again all the diseases of Egypt, of which you were afraid, and they shall cling to you. Every sickness also and every affliction that is not recorded in the book of this law, the Lord will bring upon you, until you are destroyed. Whereas you were as numerous as the stars of heaven, you shall be left few in number, because you did not obey the voice of the Lord your God. And as the Lord took delight in doing you good and multiplying you, so the Lord will take delight in bringing ruin upon you and destroying you… but the Lord will give you there a trembling heart and failing eyes and a languishing soul. Your life shall hang in doubt before you… (Deuteronomy 28:58–67)

In contrast, the NT considers the obedience of Christ as being the offering to God that His people have never been able to make. In other words, my sins and selfishness are covered by the sacrifice of Christ and my response is to be like His…

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. (Romans 12:1)
And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:2)
Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name. (Hebrews 13:15)

Walk in love, worshiping and praising God, obeying as He gives the will and the ability to do so. Stop that ‘poor me’ which can be an excuse to not say no to something that He shows me as a sinful attitude. Of course I cannot rid myself of it, but I can confess it rather than make excuses for it.

PRAY: Jesus, the flesh is always trying to rise from the dead. Again, I need Your saving power to not only put the old nature in its grave, but also replace it with love for others and praise to You.