Affection for the hard-to-love?

I’ve heard Christians say, “I love that person, but I don’t like them.” They are talking about agape love, which is an act of the will, a love that seeks the best for another and often at a personal cost.

But this statement isn’t biblical. Christian love isn’t just about self-sacrifice (which could be done without emotion); it is also about affection. Many passages say something like the words in this one:

Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another. (Romans 12:10)

The word translated “brotherly love” in this verse is not agape but “philadelphia” which is the normal affection that any person can have for another person.

Actually, there are at least four Greek words for love and two of them are used in this verse. The highest form is agape, that self-sacrificial love involving a choice made to seek the best for another. This is the love that took Jesus to the cross, and the word used in verse 9, “Let love be without hypocrisy.” It is a special love that Christ gives me and expects from me.

The second word for love is philos. It has many forms including philadelphia which is in this verse. It means an “affectionate regard” for someone, and is often translated brotherly love.

A third word is philostorgos which means “family affection” and this one is also in this verse. It means to be “kindly affectionate” and refers to the family aspect of being a child of God. We love one another because we have the same Father and are spiritual brothers and sisters.

Another word, eros, is the root word for erotic. It is about that physical ardor and sexual emotion that many people think is the only kind of love. This word does not occur in the New Testament.

Even though the idea of being willing to sacrifice myself for someone I don’t really like is not a biblical idea, it happens. Some people are difficult to care about. Yet I’m seeing that God wants me to do more than choose agape; He wants me to feel affection.

Over the years, God has taught me some lessons about this. I’ve discovered that even the unlovable people I know have some characteristic or even a quirk that is endearing. For instance, one of my aunts was always hypercritical, but when she was finished raking someone (who was usually absent) over the coals, she would get this funny little grin out of the corner of her mouth. She almost looked embarrassed at what she was doing and this little smile seemed to soften her in some way.

This facial expression has become my endearing and enduring memory of her. I cannot remember the negatives, when I think of her, only that grin. Because of it I feel affection, even though she was not an easy person to care about.

I wonder if God does the same with me. I am a big pain at times, and even though I’m sure that His love for me is secure and eternal, I must stretch His affection.

However, Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

The more I know Him, the more I realize that when He look at me He does not get annoyed at my quirks. Instead, He rejoices over me with singing. That sounds like affection. He might be “focusing on that which is endearing” but He also looks at me and sees Jesus.

I’ve lots to learn, both about love and affection!