Desires of the heart…

Contentment is more about what a person wants than what a person has. That is, if I want money and do not have it, contentment might elude me. However, if I don’t want money, it really doesn’t matter if I have it or not for my contentment does not depend on money.

Some “I wants” are legitimate, such as food, but not too much or the wrong kind. As for matters of the spirit, sin is never a legitimate want. However, if I want to “grow in grace and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ” (which is a good thing), I must not forget my motives. If I want to be the “greatest in the kingdom” then that growth will not be happening. I may experience a holy discontentment, a desire in my heart that longs for more of Jesus, but not even realize that my reasons for wanting it (self-glory) are faulty.

I’ve noticed also that this particular desire requires effort. I won’t grow without action. Because I am naturally lazy, I might conclude that the effort is too great and instead of seeking Him and growing, I could decide to stop wanting that goal and try to be content the way I am.

Today’s devotional reading is about temperament and how it affects desires of the heart. That is, what kind of a person I am will affect the way I live my Christian life and what I want for myself. The author of the reading uses Peter as an example and reminds readers of the time Jesus walked on water and Peter decided he should do the same.

And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” (Matthew 14:28–30)

Peter had a reputation of wanting to be the “greatest in the kingdom” so this may have motivated his actions. From the text, it seems the other disciples had no thought to leave the boat. As common sense fishermen, they knew the difference between solid footing and water. But Peter was Peter, reckless, headstrong, and impetuous. He acted on impulse without thinking or waiting for reasons.  

Oddly, as the devotional reading says, this was also a glory in his character. It made him do what no one else would do with daring and enthusiasm. But his motivations were all about Peter. He was not content to be like the other disciples. He wanted to be the best. Perhaps he learned a valuable lesson that day!

His daring, apart from the work and control of the Holy Spirit, brought him to danger. He jumped out of the boat thinking if Jesus can do this, he could too. In self-forgetfulness (a good character quality), he wasn’t afraid until it became obvious that his faith didn’t match his actions. He wanted greatness but sought it in the wrong way.

The practical value of this observation is that even good and godly qualities and “I-wants” can be a snare. I need to check my motivations before doing things, even things for God. I’m not usually impulsive and self-forgetful like Peter, but I am creative and have desires for excellence and maturity my life. If I don’t think about the why of what I do, or if God is leading me into my actions, I could be aiming for contentment and satisfaction like Peter — and find out that my goals look good but are self-serving.

The devotional says we need to be saved not only from sin, but from ourselves and from self-effort in the Christian life. What I want might be a legitimate desire, but what I do because of it needs to be directed by God, not by what I want. Sinful pride can sometimes be disguised to look like holy zeal. Even God-given qualities can make me crash if I use them for me instead of for Him.

Conclusion? My motivations, giftedness, and temperament also need the saving and keeping power of the Lord Jesus Christ. Without Him, I am sunk.

Impulses and Distractions

Last night I was kept awake thinking of the many options in my life. I prayed about these, seeking the will of God. I also asked questions about the importance of some of my activities. Does it matter if my house is clean and tidy? Does it matter if I write a novel? Does it matter if I finish projects I’ve lost interest in? To complicate my choices, I am interested in everything and have a mind that is easily distracted, likely adult ADHD. Focus on one thing for any period of time seems almost impossible.

This morning, I’m challenged by Oswald Chambers who writes about living by impulse. He says that Jesus never lived that way nor was He coldly intent on His plans without regard for any interruptions. (I’ve tried that; it doesn’t work.) Instead, Jesus had a calm strength that never got into a panic, no matter what popped up before Him.

For me, this describes the lessons of my years of a Christian. God has been trying to teach me not to heed my impulses nor live according to my temperament. He continually checks my blurting and distraction-motivated actions. His convictions produce self-consciousness and the realization that I have not been praying, or that I am not trusting Him. Far too often, I am motivated by whim or that natural part of me that is interested in everything and not able to easily focus on one thing. Chambers says this is “all right in a child, but it is disastrous in a man or woman” and that such behavior must be “trained into intuition by discipline.”

He is right. Impulse is not the same as that intuitive knowing that this is what God wants me to do and jumping to quickly do it. Intuition is related to faith and obedience. Impulse is more akin to selfish desires to be somebody or prove myself. It could be what Peter did when he saw Jesus walking on water . . . 

And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” (Matthew 14:28–30)

Chambers describes Peter getting out of the boat as an easy thing for “impulsive pluck.” Peter wanted to do something big and bold, and humanly speaking, most of us can rise to such a spectacular action. Peter only had to see the wind and waves to realize he was not sufficient for this task!

I understand this impulsive pluck. I’ve jumped into things without a thought whether or not Jesus wanted me to do it. I’ve also heard Him say, “Do this . . .” and did it without question. These actions may externally appear to be the same, but they are not. I know when it is me showing off and when Jesus grants grace to do something beyond my ability.

Chambers points out that most people, even non-Christians, can stand in a crisis. When it happens, adrenalin and human nature rise to the occasion. For me, this is what living on impulse is like. I get a grand idea and can carry it off without talking to God and without any thought of my need for grace. Perhaps He supplies it anyway, but this is not how He wants me to live.

Instead, and I know this is true, I need the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours a day, every day, as His child, walking on water or walking on dry land. He will not ask for the extraordinary unless I am also able to rely on Him in ordinary, unobserved, even ignored activities of obedience. Pride and impulse calls me to do exceptional things for God, but He seldom asks exceptional actions. He just asks me to be exceptional in ordinary things, to be holy in ordinary life around ordinary people. This is not something I can learn in five minutes, nor check off my daily to-do list.

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)

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Lord, these are not new thoughts. You make it clear to me that being a godly person is a 24/7 calling, with or without an audience, and with or without clear directions. I have my to-do lists and You have taught me to do them as Your child, but also to consider interruptions as opportunities to be godly. The bigger challenge for me is ignoring the impulses to go out where You have not called me and instead live by the Spirit all the time. I cannot do this. I cannot can I chart my own path nor can I escape the way my brain is wired. You are my Savior. I’m depending on You to help me push aside those impulses to follow the distractions that fly through my head and listen only to what You are telling me to do.