Sorrow

As it says in my profile, my husband has CLL, a chronic form of leukemia. This particular version develops slowly, some having it twenty years. However, it is relentless. Each time his blood is tested, we are reminded that there is no escape; all of us are terminal.

Yesterday’s test results showed a big leap in the numbers that matter. My heart is heavy. I know that God could intervene with this disease as He did with another less serious, yet normally incurable ailment that my husband once had. However, that does not change the fact that every person dies, and some will suffer greatly.

Spurgeon’s reading for today points me to Jesus, who when dying on the cross was offered a temporary balm for His agony. 

And they offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but he did not take it. (Mark 15:23)

The devotional reading is bitter sweet. Again, I paraphrase Spurgeon’s words . . .

    A golden truth is illustrated by Jesus refusing the wine-cup. On the heights of heaven the Son of God looked down upon our world and measured His long descent to the utmost depths of human misery. He knew the horrible agonies which redemption for sin would require, but did not back down. Instead, He solemnly determined that to offer a sufficient atoning sacrifice, He must go the whole way. This meant descending from the throne of highest glory to the cross of deepest woe.
    This cup mixed with myrrh with its sleep-inducing influence would have abated some of that utmost misery, but He refused it. He would not stop short of all He determined to suffer for His people.
    How many of us have longed for relief to our grief — not thinking that such relief would injure us more? Have I ever prayed for ease in hard service or relief from suffering with a bad-tempered or selfish and wilful attitude? Has life ever taken from me the desire of my eyes with a stroke? If the Holy Spirit whispered to me, “If you so desire it, that loved one of yours shall live, but God will be dishonored,” could I put away the temptation and say, “Thy will be done”?
    It is sweet to be able to say, “My Lord, if for other reasons I need not suffer, yet if I can honor You more by suffering, and if the loss of my earthly things will bring You glory, then so let it be. I refuse the comfort, if it comes in the way of thine honor.”
    Oh that I could thus walk more in the footsteps of my Lord, cheerfully enduring trial for His sake, promptly and willingly putting away the thought of self and comfort when it would interfere with me finishing the work which He has given me to do. Great grace is needed, but great grace is provided.

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Father, I do not know what You are going to do in my life or in my husband’s life with this increasing threat. I know that he is using it to speak to others about salvation. His attitude is cheerful. Such is grace.

As for me, I needed to read this and to realize that You are not acting randomly. All of life’s events are part of Your plan. I need grace and that peace that passes understanding. It was no coincidence that You had me read these verses this morning also. I love what they say. Help me live this out each day . . . 

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. . . . And I know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son. . . . What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? . . . . Who (or what) shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?. . . . No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:18, 28–39)