Advice and teachable moments

The speaker at last night’s bridal shower called family and friends ahead of time to gather words of wisdom for the bride, then wove them into a delightful and humorous ‘advice about marriage’ presentation.

Afterwards, during lunch, I overheard a teenager say to her mother, “When I get married, I don’t want any marriage advice at my shower.”

North American culture encourages individualism and independence. While this has some merit, it tends to foster a me-first, don’t-tell-me-what-to-do attitude. This attitude is part of our sinful nature that resists putting others first, and resists wise instruction.

It is not limited to teenagers. I also tend to feel uncomfortable hearing a bride-to-be get bombarded with “this is how to do it.” I know that most people learn as issues come up. We rarely hold to a piece of advice until we actually need it. Most of those tips and hints, except perhaps the really funny ones, will be forgotten. Life is like that.

Educators know that learning best happens at a ‘teachable moment’ when a problem hits hard and the ‘student’ is most aware of their need for an answer. This is why Jesus’ method of instructing new Christians is through discipleship. Spend time together. Be there when those teachable moments occur. Advice given in advance will get tucked away somewhere, but advice given when it is needed has far more likelihood of being heard and followed.

It works the same at the point of mistakes. I know very well that I’m not supposed to do certain things. I’ve read and heard all the advice. However, nothing brings it home like the first time I mess up in one of those things, and my mistake is followed by a caring rebuke.

Giving a caring rebuke is an art though, an art not very well done by most of us. When someone sins against me (or does anything wrong), I have to curb the urge to gossip about it. Jesus says instead of talking to everyone else, I’m supposed to go to that person in private and tell him or her what they have done. He says, “If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”

Unlike gossip, this is a respectful, loving way to express concern to another person who has slipped into sin and needs help getting out of it.

Some children do believe that the stove is hot from mother saying so, but how many of us have to touch it to find out the hard way? We seem to be people who do not respond to a warning ahead of time. A warning didn’t stop Peter from denying Christ, and it doesn’t work for most hard-headed, I-can-do-it-myself people, like me. My first reaction to such advice is “I won’t have that problem, so don’t talk to me about it.” I am much like Peter who said something like that to Jesus before he crashed and learned the hard way.

After the crash, a face-to-face rebuke usually works. If not, and the person insists, “Who are you to tell me what to do?” Jesus says what to do next. “If he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church . . . .”

A group agreement to care and do something about the sin of one person in the group is so important that Jesus added, “I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father I heaven. For where two or three are gathered in My name, I am there in the midst of them.”

Jesus is in godly, caring rebuke, even if we don’t like giving it. While He also wants us to wisely instruct one another (we did give the bride-to-be a ton of that), He knows that offering all this to her beforehand is not nearly as important as being there for her with the same respectful, loving wisdom when she messes later on—and she will; we all do.