Beware of trusting myself…

The battle pressed hard against Saul, and the archers found him, and he was wounded by the archers. Then Saul said to his armor-bearer, “Draw your sword and thrust me through with it, lest these uncircumcised come and mistreat me.” But his armor-bearer would not, for he feared greatly. Therefore Saul took his own sword and fell upon it. And when his armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he also fell upon his sword and died. Thus Saul died; he and his three sons and all his house died together. 
And when all the men of Israel who were in the valley saw that the army had fled and that Saul and his sons were dead, they abandoned their cities and fled, and the Philistines came and lived in them. The next day, when the Philistines came to strip the slain, they found Saul and his sons fallen on Mount Gilboa. And they stripped him and took his head and his armor, and sent messengers throughout the land of the Philistines to carry the good news to their idols and to the people. And they put his armor in the temple of their gods and fastened his head in the temple of Dagon. But when all Jabesh-gilead heard all that the Philistines had done to Saul, all the valiant men arose and took away the body of Saul and the bodies of his sons, and brought them to Jabesh. And they buried their bones under the oak in Jabesh and fasted seven days. So Saul died for his breach of faith. He broke faith with the Lord in that he did not keep the command of the Lord, and also consulted a medium, seeking guidance. He did not seek guidance from the Lord. Therefore the Lord put him to death and turned the kingdom over to David the son of Jesse. (1 Chronicles 10:3–14)

This passage confused me. Saul committed suicide yet the Word also said that the Lord put him to death. However, Spence’s thorough commentary cleared it up. Here is what he said:

He who had often conquered the Philistines and other hostile nations, with little of material help, fell before them, because he had guiltily forfeited the Divine help. He had presumed on himself — it brings him to make an end of himself! As repentance had been the stranger of his company, so now despair is the bosom friend he hugs. And trace as best we may the course he ran, his character, and the end of a life which had opened in providence so abundant and so encouraging, the skilled pen of Scripture guides our last thought, and reveals the just conclusion of the whole matter: “Saul died for his transgressions which he committed against the Lord, even against the Word of the Lord, which he kept not, and also for asking … of … a familiar spirit, to inquire thereof, and he inquired not of the Lord” — this low-lying epitaph, a beacon of warning set up aloft to all time.

The timing is perfect. I know a “Saul” whose efforts are commendable, yet she often takes credit that belongs to the Lord and praises Him for her mistakes. When she relates what happened, it is clear she acts first without consulting Him then shares how she is helping Him rather than the other way around.

Spence speaks of how Saul presumes he is doing the Lord’s work without seeking His way or waiting for His instruction to obey. Only by God's grace does that ‘method’ work for those of us who presume our way is God's way. He keeps bailing us out.

For Saul, this behavior eventually put him into a frame of mind that he was better off dead than being mistreated by his enemies. Instead of realizing and repenting of his lack of faith, in despair he took his own life, a final act of God-playing. 

While I cannot know the motivations of anyone’s heart, I’ve taken the glory when God did the deed. I’ve also gone ahead without consulting Him. I recognize when others do it for I have done it. However, God is gracious and teaches me, usually by failure, that what I am doing is not acceptable. Not only must I seek His will rather than assume it, I must also never take credit when He uses my folly for good. That is a comfort and His glory, not a brag for my boasting, nor a reason to keep up any God-playing.

Lord Jesus, forgive me and all who know You for acting like Saul with the assumption we know what You want without speaking to You and act according to our own grand ideas as if they came from You when they really were a way of glorify ourselves. Stop all slides into self-effort that masquerades as following You. 

A final defiance?

In the twenty-seventh year of Asa king of Judah, Zimri reigned seven days in Tirzah. Now the troops were encamped against Gibbethon, which belonged to the Philistines, and the troops who were encamped heard it said, “Zimri has conspired, and he has killed the king.” Therefore all Israel made Omri, the commander of the army, king over Israel that day in the camp. So Omri went up from Gibbethon, and all Israel with him, and they besieged Tirzah. And when Zimri saw that the city was taken, he went into the citadel of the king’s house and burned the king’s house over him with fire and died, because of his sins that he committed, doing evil in the sight of the Lord, walking in the way of Jeroboam, and for his sin which he committed, making Israel to sin. Now the rest of the acts of Zimri, and the conspiracy that he made, are they not written in the Book of the Chronicles of the Kings of Israel? (1 Kings 16:15–20)

A brief study on suicide tells me that some societies have a positive view of suicide that is done for culturally approved reasons; for example, in Japan, if one shames one's family, suicide can be an act of honor. On the other hand, some cultures and faiths see suicide as an unforgivable act, yet a few who believe this do not apply it to suicide bombers, who are seen as martyrs.

 As for its cause, up to half of all who die by suicide have a major depressive disorder such as bipolar or other mood disorders, and often have an increase risk. 

Stats show that middle-aged adults have the highest numbers, yet suicide is also a leading cause of death among younger people. 

Some give the following reasons for taking one’s own life:

Egoistic: being inadequately integrated into society, thus feeling lonely, detached, and and feel life is meaninglessness. Those who have an attitude of "excessive individuation" can suffer from a lack of social support.

Altruistic: A high social integration where a person is heavily integrated into a group that they will sacrifice their life for the group's interests or beliefs. This can also apply to individuals. A dear friend had many illnesses and became overwhelmed by the burden on her husband who often had to take her to the hospital in the middle of the night. She choose to die rather than making him suffer.

Anomic: For some, a lack of “social regulation” or other issues during sudden and profound social or economic changes create a sense of normlessness and disillusionment. One dictionary says this can evolve from a conflict of belief systems that causes a breakdown of social bonds between an individual and their community.

Fatalistic: Excessive regulation can be deeply oppressive and restricted making a person feel hopeless and seek escape. 

In studying the Bible, sin is seems rooted in “I will govern my own life” and when that does not work out well, a person either gives up and turns to their Creator for answers and help, or they refuse to trust God’s way, including how and when their life ends, therefore take that matter into their own hands as well.

Zimri failed as a king. He sinned against God and caused others to sin. He could have confessed and been forgiven but would rather die than yield to God. For a person who knows the freedom and joy of redemption, this seems such folly, yet I also know the pull and stubbornness of wanting to rule my own life. Apart from the grace of God, I could create my own list of why it has seemed better to end it.

Jesus, You are the only answer to all those reasons people feel like taking their own life. Trusting You is a big deal, yet so entirely worth it. I’m so thankful that You stepped in and changed both my heart and so often my circumstances. I’m old even though my parents were told I’d not get past 16. My body hurts at times, but I can laugh and enjoy life, do things, make things: cook, quilt, clean house, encourage others, obey You. The idea of suicide being the only answer has hit me, but You swept it away by Your outstretched arms. For all this and more, I love You. Amen.