The battle of the sexes

God spoke to me through a dream last night. This does not happen often, nor do I take it lightly.

In my dream, I was teaching a ladies Bible class, but the men in our church came in, which confused me because the Bible has something to say about women teaching men. As I fumbled with what to do, the men were trying to help the women be godly. Then I woke up with something so clearly in my mind that I grabbed a pen and paper. After reading it to my husband, he told me to give him a copy.

This dream reminded me that in the beginning, there was no sin. The man and women were united and in harmony in the garden of Eden. Then sin entered and with it the curse of conflict. God told the woman, “. . . Your desire shall be for (or against) your husband, and he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). The words of this verse are translated the next chapter to show that it basically means that sin results in both wanting to be the boss, with the man taking an autocratic ruling position that she resists. In short, sin produces selfishness and a me-first attitude in both men and women.

Think how this plays out in much of the Old Testament. Unless the men obeyed God, women were treated like property. This is most seen in the pagan world, but it happened in the Jewish patriarchal system also. Sin makes people try to rule over one another. Both genders want their way.

New Testament tells how Jesus came to reverse the curse of sin. He died for it, taking our punishment, but also lived to show us a better way. To live that better way, we must yield our lives to Him and be filled with the Holy Spirit.

Ephesians 5 tells how this plays out in the marriage relationship. It tells us that we must, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” Then it says we should, “not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit. . . .”

Being filled with the Spirit manifests itself in several ways, including, “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Our worshipful attitude toward Jesus combined with a Spirit-filled walk wipes out that conflict. Instead of trying to boss one another, we want to meet the needs of others. Again, this cannot be done apart from walking in the Spirit. The old nature wants only its own way.

In that regard, no person can be partly in the Spirit and partly in the flesh at any given moment. We tip over constantly and should be confessing our sins regularly. The best we can hope for is spiritual growth and being Spirit-filled more often than we are filled with our own I-wants. This includes that desire to be the boss in our marriages.

If the ideal of being Spirit-filled happens, then it shows up in many ways, including our marriage relationships. I have shortened and paraphrased from Ephesians 5:15-33 the following . . . 

Husbands will love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. They will set them apart and desire them to be the best that they can be (without spot or wrinkle or any such thing so they are holy and without blemish), loving them as their own bodies . . . just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

In other words, the husband relates to his wife as Christ relates to His church, making the marriage relationship a picture or depiction of that larger relationship. “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5:31-32)

Jesus left heaven to unite Himself with us and care for us. The husband is to care for his wife like Christ cares for the church. This is the ideal. But what about the wife?

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Women don’t like this S word, but we need to think of this in the big picture. When the church follows Christ as it should, that combo is an unstoppable force in the world. Lives are changed. Cultures, societies, even entire nations  are transformed. This unit is incredibly powerful. However, just like the man, women also need to be filled with the Holy Spirit to do this. Otherwise, both of us want to lord it over the other and mess up what could be astonishing.

I’m thinking of the negatives now. What is the church like when its people think they are better leaders who know more than Jesus Christ knows? If it were not so serious, it would be laughable. Yet I, as a wife, have often thought that I know more about what to do than my husband. When this is my attitude, I am in the flesh, disobedient — and not filled with the Holy Spirit.

So what do we mere mortals do with failure on one side or the other? What if the wife will not cooperate with a husband’s leadership? For him, the question must be: How does the Lord Jesus Christ deal with a rebellious church? Patience? Love? Gentleness? Intercession? If an iron fist is on the list, is it a last resort? How can a husband still be like Jesus toward a resisting and bossy wife?

And what if the husband is not acting like Jesus Christ at all, but either passive and refusing to lead, or lording it over his wife in tyrannical fashion? Scripture says much about that scenario. I will try to put 1 Peter 2-3 in a nutshell: if he won’t lead or his leadership is dubious, she must determine to be like Jesus, no matter what her spouse does or does not do.

(Jesus) committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. (1 Peter 2:22–23)

If hubby tips over, I must remain upright, trusting God, and I know from experience that no woman can trust God like that unless she is filled with the Holy Spirit.

One woman told me, “I will follow him as soon as he starts acting like Jesus Christ.” Another says, “I will submit as long as I think he is right.” Both have an I-will-rule attitude.

One man said, “I will be passive and not pay any attention to her until she does what I want her to do.” Another says, “This woman will do what I say because I am the head of this home.” Both have an I-will-rule attitude. 

We know that sin makes us want to rule over each other. But if we are filled with the Holy Spirit, we will be united to obey our Father and become a powerful instrument to change our world. Sadly, far too often our sinful attitudes make us powerless to obey God. We fail to be salt and light in our world, a world that needs salt and light. We also fail to remember that the battleground is out there, and should never be in our homes and marriages.

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Lord, this is so simple. Either the sinful nature rules, or You do. May You keep me alert to the times that I tip over and stop listening to You. Help me respect my husband — for from him I can learn more about what it means to follow You.