Heart knowledge vs. head knowledge

If you asked me, I would never say that I am trying to earn God’s favor, but why then do I get so upset with myself when I think I have failed Him? I’m not talking about sin, but performance.

Part of it is conditioning. In high school, my marks were high enough that my parents, teachers, and classmates expected it. If I didn’t get the grades they thought I should, they were openly surprised. Some of the other students teased me. I felt great pressure to perform then and sometimes still feel it today.

Part of it is wanting to please people. Getting a “well-done” from anyone is important, particularly to a self-esteem-threatened teenager. That desire persists into old age. Thinking negatively about my relationships might be all in my head, but I tend to do it and assume that no one cares. I’m the typical pessimist concerning what people think of me.

Part of it is pride. Doing well often results in praise, or some sort of peer appreciation. Being on a pedestal does have its pressures, but even with the pressure, I still like the glory.

All of it is self-absorption. As the author of “The Purpose Driven Life” says, the Christian life is not about me. The Apostle Paul knew this long before Rick Warren wrote that book. Paul even made a list of every credential that he had, then he said,

But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. (Philippians 3:7-11)

Being a Christian means that I not only know Jesus Christ, but also have His righteousness, His holiness, and His virtue imputed to me. This makes me right before God, not the stuff that I do. The Bible even says that all my righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6).

In his life before Christ came in, Paul religiously tried to please God by strictly following the Law of God, but when Christ confronted him and he saw the reality of redemption, he traded all his self-righteous, external morals, good works, and religious rituals for the righteousness that is given by grace through faith in Jesus.

Paul then looked at his own reputation as garbage. He was eager to reach or gain the pure and incorruptible righteousness of Christ and make sure his standing before God. This is God’s gift to the sinner, God’s gift to me. I don’t need to prove myself.

While Christians sometimes say we have head knowledge rather than heart knowledge (meaning we know spiritual truth only intellectually), I think the opposite is more of a problem. My heart knows the truth about His imputed righteousness; I have it. However, that knowledge sometimes gets blocked from getting into my head and I still think like the old me.

Paul also wrote, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God” (Romans 12:2).

Paul knew the dangers of self-absorption and the need for a new heart. He also knew that the mind needs renewal too, even total transformation. Deep inside, I know that Jesus is my righteousness and that I cannot please God with anything I do. I know that my failures will never make me a write-off in His books, but because my head is too often swelled with personal pride or preoccupied with worldly junk like pedestals and human praise, I do not think or practice the truth that I know in my heart.