My hope is in Him alone

Today is D-day. Our granddaughter arrives to live with us and life turns in a new direction. As I read the classic book on bipolar (An Unquiet Mind), I become more anxious, more aware that we cannot handle any part of this without major help. While seeking help is not a problem for me, in this case we have no idea what the needs will be, nor when they will arise, nor the severity of the need. Having no experience whatsoever is scary.

I try to tell myself things like “This is no different than life as you know it—all problems are surprises” or “Nothing is too hard for God.” But the knot is still there, and the anxiety of it all is making me irritable, short with people, wanting my space protected, and generally I just feel like eating chocolate all day.

What are the pluses in this? Well, I prayed she would realize she has this problem. Second, I prayed she would come home. And I told God I would do anything to help her. All those prayers were answered. What am I complaining about?

When things come up, there is usually an “end in sight,” a time-frame to work with. Tough stuff is more easily faced when we know it will not last forever. But I’ve no end in sight for this one. While medical progress offers lots of hope, there is no cure. Not only that, there are no guarantees that drugs will work for her, or that she will be convinced to keep taking them. She needs tons of support.

I’m mostly afraid that I’ll fail her. She is a wonderful person, blighted with a terrifying illness. She needs her hand held, her tears dried, her fears faced, her bouts with mania and depression understood and withstood. Some days I think God is trusting me far too much. I know how prone I am to run dry, to forget to trust Him. I don’t think anything has scared me more than this, not even my husband’s diagnosis of leukemia, which we are still living with.

The big picture does offer an end. A friend with four busy children used to say, “Oh for the peace of the grave.” For me, it is not so much death that offers a final end to trials, but God’s promises that Jesus will eventually conquer even the worst of foes.

Today’s verses say, “The ten horns which you saw are ten kings who have received no kingdom as yet, but they receive authority for one hour as kings with the beast. These are of one mind, and they will give their power and authority to the beast. These will make war with the Lamb, and the Lamb will overcome them, for He is Lord of lords and King of kings; and those who are with Him are called, chosen, and faithful.” (Revelation 17:14, NKJV)

The Lamb, Jesus Christ, overcomes because He is Lord and King. And I am one of those who is “with Him” because I have been called and chosen. That’s incredible. Oddly enough, He also calls me faithful. That is almost unbelievable.

I don’t feel very faithful. I’d like to escape the challenges He has put into my life, go and hide somewhere. But it does help a very tiny bit to realize that He can see the end of that final battle involving His Son and His enemies, and in the end, I will have somehow (and this is beyond my comprehension) earned the title of faithful.