The popular idea of each person having a ‘love language’ reveals that I feel most loved when engaged and listened to in conversation. Gifts are nice, as are hugs, but communication is my thing.
One of our friends is a lousy listener. Any clear explanation brings questions from this person that reveal her ears heard but she didn’t really listen. I had relatives who did this and finally understood that each sentence they heard reminded them of something familiar from their own life — so that is where their mind went. It was their way of trying to relate to the speaker.
The annoying part is that many ‘listeners’ respond with something about themselves rather than a, “Oh that is interesting. Tell me more” kind of answer. If too many ‘listeners’ do this, I generally stop talking and try to do for them what they didn’t do for me.
Listening is important. A young woman told me God saves us because of our good works. I had her read this aloud:
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. (Ephesians 2:8–9)Then I asked what it said about how people are saved. She said, “Oh, by doing good works.” She was not listening, even to her own words as she read.
What goes on in the minds of poor listeners? Several possibilities include: a desire to talk rooted in a need to prove self-worth, dismissing the importance of what others say, self-defensive, not really caring about what the other person is saying, using the speakers words as a reason to talk about themselves, and so on. These sound negative and from my own life I can see how self-centered a poor listener can be. Been there, done that.
1 Corinthians 13 is called the love chapter in the NT. Two verses say: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” (1 Corinthians 13:4–5)
While this does not say love is a good listener, these words indicate qualities that apply. For instance, a good listener is patient and lets others finish speaking rather than being so busy thinking of a response that they stop listening to what the other person is saying. Love is also kind indicating that a loving listener cares about what the other person says and will express that rather than jumping to memories of their own life and experiences.
Pride can be at the root of not listening too. That means a proud person can be bored by what others have to say thinking their own life is more interesting and want to boast about a similar experience. If not, they may envy the experiences of others and play a “I can top that” game. If someone is rude and refuses to listen to me, that is not an excuse to stop listening to them.
I’m glad God is a good listener. He is not bored when I pray, or half-listening and thinking how He will answer me, or judging my words, or being rude. If people in my life do not listen, I can run to Jesus and know that He gives me His full attention.
The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry…. When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:15–18)Sometimes Christians feel like God is not listening. Job had that problem too, yet he also knew differently:
Oh, that I knew where I might find him, that I might come even to his seat! I would lay my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments. I would know what he would answer me and understand what he would say to me. Would he contend with me in the greatness of his power? No; he would pay attention to me. There an upright man could argue with him, and I would be acquitted forever by my judge. “Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. (Job 23:3–10)The ‘silence’ of God can build patience. If it seems He is not listening it is folly to conclude He does not love me. I must not wander away because He seems no longer interested in me. Those negatives are lies from the enemy who told Eve that God didn’t really care about her, and is still using the same lie to tempt me to sin. I cannot measure His truth or faithfulness by my lack, or by the lack in others.
PRAY: Jesus, I can see my own failures to be a good listener. I get impatient with self-centered boasting and me-me-me stories, but must remember that the habit of poor listening can go both ways. Enable me to be the kind of listener that You are, always there, always paying attention, and always connecting with others who are sharing what is on their mind. Help me be a good example of Your wonderful ability to be listening one hundred percent when others are speaking to me.
