If only?

Having a vivid imagination can be fruitful, but also annoying. I’ve imagined myself as many great things that I will never be, like a singer or an actress. Some of these roles show my pride and vanity. I’ve also imagined myself blind so I would know what it is like to walk around my house without knowing what was in front of me.
 
The most significant question about why God made me the way I am is this matter of being easily distracted. Never diagnosed as ADD, but with all the symptoms and a lifetime of trying to stay focused. This scattered mind struggled with sticking to homework, getting any project finished, and once into a task, stopping to make supper or answer the phone.

When asking God, “Why have you made me like this?” He has never given me an answer that fed my ego. Most of the time I hear Him saying, “So you will trust Me” or something like that. The best explanation finally came in a quilting class.

The instructor asked class members to share things about ourselves and when my turn came, I said something about the difficulties of focusing. It happened that this instructor had training in counseling and came to me later with excellent advice. She told me to stop fighting that ‘problem’ and work with it, applying it to quilting and to other activities of life.

From this, I began to understand that God made me the way I am so I could do the things He wanted me to do. In a nutshell, He says:

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:10)

Being easily distracted means I can drop whatever I’m doing to help someone in trouble, or to pray when prayer needs come to mind. It also gives me the ability to have many projects on the go. I can easily follow the thinking of others with the same problem.

The challenges have not gone away. For instance, the desire of my heart is always to pray after spending devotional time with Jesus. However, my to-do list or something else so easily distracts and pulls me away. I make excuses but know that this is vital and the rest of the day is filled with interruptions and so on — when I fail to focus on prayer. The worst part is that no matter how determined I might be even at this moment, in ten or fifteen minutes I could totally forget that resolve to talk to God.

My theology tells me this is a spiritual war. The enemy does not want me to pray so uses the way I think to take me into far less important activities. I could blame Satan, blame how I am made, but the Word of God persists in telling me to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17) so those are excuses. Prayer is hard work. I’ve much else to do. Other excuses come to mind, but they are obviously not valid. The bottom line is:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak. (Ephesians 6:10–20)

PRAY: This short prayer is not what You want from me, Jesus. There is so much need in the world, in our city, in our church and in family and friends. I cannot carry the burdens and know You want me to bring them to You. You are good and even though my mind is easily distracted, prayer lists, praying aloud, and walking while I pray do help me stay focused on this important task. Make me a prayer warrior that glorifies You, even though it seems this wandering mind is not capable to do any such thing.

Feeling Blank . . .

 

READ Psalm 120–124

The past few weeks have been filled with problems, too many to list and besides, who wants to review all my problems? I am content to review the solutions because, “In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me.” (Psalm 120:1)

One night, one of those problems had me awake for a long time. It was foolish to mull it over because I had no idea what caused it. It involved another person and I was not informed enough to know what was wrong or what I was up against. I asked a few people and their response was basically, “Get used to it. This is the way it has been and it will not change.”

So in my distress, I called to the Lord. The psalmist verifies that is the solution, not only for the unsolvable problems but even those for which I can think of possible solutions. In my distress:

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. (121:1–2)

So I prayed something like this: “God, fix this. I don’t know what caused the problem and have no idea what I could do about it. Only You are aware and only You know what to do.”

The next day, the issue was resolved. My advisors were startled. I was overjoyed. I have no idea what God did in the life of the person that was part of the problem, but that person’s attitude changed and suddenly the issue did not exist. It was amazing.

Another verse from this reading has amazed and comforted me many times. It says:

To you I lift up my eyes, O you who are enthroned in the heavens! Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maidservant to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till he has mercy upon us. (123:1–2)

When I first read it, I imagined a servant coming to her Master with an empty tray. In order to feed the people around her, she needs something in the tray but only the Master can fill it — with the right things in the right amounts. She has no resources yet He mercifully does what is needed so she can fulfill her tasks.

I often feel like a person with an empty platter. I grew up in a loving home but my parents had been told that my childhood illness was fatal and I would die in my mid-teens. They did not raise me to live. My grandmother taught me some basics, but my parents protected and cared for me without preparing me for life. I didn’t realize this had ramifications; when older, I felt blank in so many ways. As a Christian, reading about a servant and thinking of an empty platter, I felt like God knew my innermost self-view, but not only that, He told me the solution: look to Him and He would fill in the blanks. I’ve been a slow learner at times, but know the power of God to come to my side when I’ve no clue what to do or how to do it.

Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth. (124:8)

Jesus, without You, these feelings of inadequacy would be overwhelming. Where would I go? Who would even listen to me? At my age and with my education, no one would think that this is even a problem. Yet it is, and at the same time a blessing. Feeling empty and without resources has given me the wonderful joy of knowing Your supply, of knowing that You hear and answer prayer, often in mysterious and amazing ways. I’m glad to be a servant and even more joyful to know that You are my Lord. You fill my platter, take care of all my needs and fill my heart with joy as I serve and worship You.