My ‘excuse’ for pride

Way back in those so-called carefree school days, I felt a lot of pressure. God blessed me with the ability to do well in almost every subject. In my thinking it was a good memory, not a high IQ, but whatever the case, it was not easy to live with. After a while, parents, teachers, even the other students expected me to get good marks all the time. If my scores dropped even a couple percent, some of the kids teased me.

Of course that background created in me the notion that to be acceptable, I had to be at the top of the class. Yikes, no one can keep that up. I learned that no matter how well I did in anything, there is always someone who does better. Being queen of the mountain is a fleeting achievement and in light of the pressure, it’s hardly worth the view.

After I became a Christian, it was no surprise that this became a battlefield. No matter that I knew pride and a competitive spirit were not Christlike, shedding this inner ambition has never been easy. Just when I think I’ve overcome it, another test comes along and out it pops.

This week I took a quilt to a monthly meeting of a quilter’s group I regularly attend. Most of the time our quilts are at about the same skill level. For me, there is no competition and no comparing, just enjoying the skills of each person. However, this week we had some visitors. One was the guest lecturer, the other, her friend. I’ve known both of them for years, but they attend the evening version of the meeting while I go to the afternoon one. I’d known that the two groups were not the same. The evening quilters are more serious about their work. Many are instructors, some of whom have taught me.

Anyway, these two brought some of their work, and it blew me out of the water. My ‘show and tell’ was a challenging piece that I struggled to finish, but their pieces were works of art, incredibly creative and beautiful with superb craftsmanship.

Out popped my old pattern of thinking. I wanted to hide my quilt, go home and improve it, do something, anything, to raise my own status—not for the sake of those who admired it, but for my own sake. It was that old, “get 96% instead of 99% and I’ve failed” syndrome, and it left me feeling kicked in the gut, partly because it was there, but also because I thought that part of me had died. This was a surprise that I didn’t like one bit.

This morning’s devotional was about trusting the Lord and directed me to 1 Peter 5:5-7 which says, “. . . be clothed with humility, for ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’ Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”

I am positive that only God can rebuke and hug at the same time. Here He tells me to drop my pride; it will only bring me into conflict with Him. That kicked-in-the-gut feeling is just that, being out of sorts and at odds with God. At the same time, He says He cares about me and I can cast this foolish attitude upon Him. If I do, He promises to take care of that deep human need for significance. (I’ve learned that it might not be the way I expect, but He cares, and He can and will do it.)

As I think about putting this selfish ambition and pride thing upon God, I try to imagine what He is thinking when He looks at a flower that grows slightly bent, or a river that is dirty with mud, or a sunset that is colorless and ordinary. Does He kick Himself and exclaim, “Oh, I failed, again”? Is He overcome with shame because His efforts are less than He knows He can do? Does He vow to try harder the next time? Certainly not! Such foolishness.

I went to that meeting proud of my effort and could hardly wait to show it off. I came home humbled. God saw to it, not because He wants me to get only 96%, but because humility is more important to Him than achievement. He cares for me.

When my attitude slips out of line, He sees it long before I do and He lines up whatever is necessary to block me from sliding back into my old pattern of thinking and living. He cares for me.

When selfish ambition and pride threaten the Christlike character that He is working to produce in me, He will resist it. He would rather see humility in me than see me get 100%, not that He is against achievement or doing well, but that He cares far more about who I am than what I do, or how well I do it.

I’m still feeling somewhat ashamed of myself, but now it is more from missing that pride creeping back in rather than stumbling over it when it did. Yet even with this sense of, “Oh, brother, I did it again,” God reassures me that I can cast all of it on Him. He knows exactly what to do with it—because He cares for me.