Yesterday I wrote about Monday’s battle with unexplained despair, with feeling as if God had abandoned me and would never return. This came after reading how the words of despair expressed by Christians who know better can be blurted out but are not an expression of their hearts. Job called them words of wind, and even though he blurted out to his critical and accusing friends his frustration with the silence of God, he also said:
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. (Job 23:10)At times an open and honest Christian can sound schizophrenic. The NT describes this in several places as the battle between the old flesh (which is dead to God’s ways) and the Holy Spirit who now lives in our hearts. If the Spirit is filling that person, godliness and truth rule their life and mouth, but sometimes the world and our demonic enemies hit us with some sort of painful thought or event that knock us back into thinking old ways. When that happens, the flesh is ‘shoved’ into old philosophies and lies, the chief one being, “God doesn’t love you” or some variation that contradicts the truth we have received from the Lord.
That was my Monday. Getting kicked in the heart was mostly an internal thing but related to sad news that deeply wounded me. I wanted to escape to heaven where there is no pain. And God was silent.
The other issue, strangely enough, was a challenge to be a story-teller who openly shared struggles and God’s work with others. I knew I had not done this with certain people so decided it was time — but decisions like that often bring on something to make me forget or ignore my determination. This is similar to what happens to pastors after a good sermon on Sunday; Monday becomes the worst day of the week.
But on Tuesday I read more about Job’s words and thought more about the importance of sharing life with others. The Spirit kept telling me that when someone else is in despair, to consider the source. Instead of rebuking their words, toss that idea to the wind and uncover their true beliefs, helping them to speak what is behind their struggle and then say what they really believe. When Monday put me on that other side with a dose of desperation and despair. I realized this was God’s way of showing me how badly others feel when life hands them lemons and the Spirit seems to leave… and I knew He did this to better equip me for doing what He wants me to do.
The story-telling theme hit too. Combining both lessons, I told someone else of my struggles and what I was learning. As soon as I did, the despair lifted. His joy flooded my heart, and the battle was over. I shared that too, not knowing what my listener thought about my ‘story-telling’ but realizing God wanted this transparency. Like Job, words of wind combined with golden truth went far deeper than the awful feelings that had me in a dark hole.
Today, several verses tell me this experience is important:
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. (James 1:12)It was a test, not a temptation, even though wanting to die seemed like a real desire. What did God want me to do with that? Share it, not worried what my listener might think about this blatant loss of faith.
Then this:
Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures. Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. (James 1:16–22)“Share also the results…” which can only be done if I obey what I have learned. Tell it to others and do what God says. Checking off a box is not enough. Job didn’t get fully off the flesh stuff until God taught him how little he knew about God’s ways, but eventually he understood and was blessed. For me, joy was a blessing and the rest of the day was blessed too.
PRAY: Years ago, a pastor told me I got tough lessons because I was a tough case. That I understand now more than ever. But You are a persistent Savior for which I am glad. If a 2x4 works better than a kind word, then help me to embrace the pain and learn what is needed to keep on track.
