A few weeks ago I shared with someone that when my mother and father got married, they agreed not to fight. I told her that I’d never seen them even argue with each other. She responded saying that was not a good thing because one or both of them would resent not being able to defend whatever they wanted if the other person didn’t want it. That leads to a passive-aggressiveness that would block good communication.
I was surprised at that assumption. She assumed it better to be assertive and get their “I wants” verbalized in order to have good communication. She didn’t understand that my parents had a value system about unity. They were not interested in self-defense or having their own way. For them, getting along was at the top of their list, not being the winner in any sort of battle.
Today’s devotion touches on a similar attitude. Piper speaks of those who promise to do something, but it turns into a bad decision. What should that person do? Break their promise or keep their word? Two passages describe God’s will on such a situation: The psalmist asks:
O Lord, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your holy hill? … (those) in whose eyes a vile person is despised, but who honors those who fear the Lord; who swears to his own hurt and does not change. (Psalm 15:1, 4, italics mine)
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. (Psalm 37:5–6)In other words, the person who makes a promise must keep it, even if it hurts to follow through. Integrity means not going back on a commitment. A good person’s word is more valuable than money or having his own way. His integrity is more precious than anything else so he stands by his word even if it hurts.
Note: The Lord is not addressing a marriage where one person is abusive and telling the other one to stick to the marriage vow “through thick or thin” rather than take action to protect themselves.
This integrity is like the vow made by mom and dad. Their decision to agree, to not fight, was far more important than getting their own way. And they made that decision before either of them knew Christ. Later, mom was saved, and much later my dad was too, yet it seems to me that God gave them this amazing strength of character before they had the Holy Spirit or knew how to roll their wants and needs unto God. Or did they somehow know anyway?
Obviously, trust in God is a factor. He gives strength to value unity and respect more than personal wants or needs. Somehow they saw the value in this priority before learning to trust God to come through for them in His way and in His time. They set an incredible example.
For me, growing up in that environment resulted in a big shock to see how most of the rest of the world lives. Many couples are in a relationship where their needs must be met — or they leave it. Money might be an issue, or other things like broken promises. Whatever messes with unity, God is not in it. “I want what I want when I want it” is often the priority, and if that does not happen, the results are usually disastrous. Despite my parents example, I’ve been there, done that.
PRAY: Lord, I know that selfishness and insisting on my own way so easily strains or snaps those marriage vows made so long ago. I’ve often needed forgiveness. Yet I’m thankful for the example of my parents. They showed me it is possible to yield and to prosper because of it. My mom’s “we must need it or we wouldn’t be getting it” mantra teaches me contentment and faith in Your ability to be my shield and defender, no matter what. You make my wedding promises more important and more rewarding than anything I might come up with. And I could write a book about the struggles — and about You winning them for me. I love You for a million reasons — one of them being that when I battle You, I always win when I lose!
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