Sigh!

Rick Warren’s well-known book, The Purpose Driven Life begins with, “It’s not about you.” A life motivated by the purposes of God is not about me, and I agree whole-heartedly. I just have trouble remembering it.

Living it isn’t easy either. This week I’ve been thinking about all the things that interest me, things that I can do well, and things that are important. Life is too short, never mind the reality that each day has only twenty-four hours. Some of it won’t fit. Even more frustrating is when my mind goes round and round trying to decide what to do next, I often wind up doing nothing.

Does God care about the ordinary schedule of a basically ordinary person? Does He care whether I mend my husband’s jeans, or bake bread? Does it matter to Him if I use up the afternoon in the garden or having tea with a neighbor? Sometimes certain things seem right, as if this fits with His plans. Other times, I just don’t know.

I often think of a sermon we heard at Grace Community Church by John MacArthur. He talked about the will of God, and offered each passage in the Bible that plainly states it. Even though he gave this sermon years ago (we attended Grace in the early 80's), I can still remember the outline, and the bottom line. He said if you are doing all of the above (saved, sanctified, saying thanks, etc.) then you are “delighting yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” This verse from Psalm 37 does not mean God will give me all that I desire, but that all my “I wants” in life will be from Him. I will feel His desires in my own heart.

Today I read another verse from the Psalms. Because I have a mild heart condition, it has been a favorite over the years. “My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

I’ve always thought that was about physical heart failure, but today it seems more like that “desires of my heart” thing has failed me. I don’t know what they are. I’m not aware of abandoning the known will of God or delighting in God, but when it comes to having a sense of ‘what to do next’ I feel that my heart’s desires have taken a hike. In fact, I don’t really desire anything and don’t feel like doing anything, but this is not contentment. I’m very restless.

I don’t like this feeling of purposeless, no direction, not even ambition or any sense of what my life is about right now. However, Warren’s advice echos back. This is not about me or what I want. It is about waiting on the Lord, even in the dark, and being faithful with what He has shown me until He shows me something else.