Words that help

When my father died a few years ago I realized that some folks don’t know what to say to who grieve. A couple years after that, my mother died. Again, some comments were awkward. What do you say to survivors when someone dies?

In the past few weeks, I’ve realized some folks are also at a loss with what to say when someone tells them that their spouse has a terminal illness.

“Poor you” probably bothers me the most. Thirty years ago, my first mentor’s husband died. She grieved but also realized that some of her sadness was “only me feeling sorry for myself.” Over the years I’ve realized the truth in her self-assessment. “Poor you” appeals to my sinful self-pity. It’s better to focus on what God has done and will do in our lives.

That said, it hurts when people seem to not allow grief. Even though Christians are told “we do not grieve as the world grieves,” the Bible does not forbid grief (which is not the same as self-pity) but when I’m told to “Be joyful—think about heaven,” I feel like I’m being offered dessert first. While there is nothing wrong with pie-in-the-sky, or with the blessed assurance that the Lord will take those who trust Him to heaven, Jesus did weep at the grave side of Lazarus. Even though He was about to raise him from the dead, He felt the pain of this man’s family and the sorrow produced by sin, death and dying. He did not push Lazarus’ sisters with something like, “Just trust the Lord and get on with life.” Instead, it is far better to “weep with those who weep.”

Similar to this are those who come up with a quick fix: “Oh, my relative/friend had cancer too and this is how they were cured . . . .” Alternative medicine is dangerous for just that reason—making blanket claims about products and services. My husband called a naturopath and asked about leukemia. The doctor said there is “no protocol” for blood cancers. He could have offered a ‘miracle cure’ and made money, but with integrity admitted that there is no known treatment for this type of cancer. The ‘quick fix’ people may want to offer hope, but I am more comforted by being reminded that God can use this for good. I know that if there is a cure He will guide us, if a miracle He will do it.

Today: Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33, NKJV).

Jesus reminds me that when folks say and do things that are less than helpful, this is really only a small part of the troubles of life. I am not to be disheartened by those who mean well, but say the wrong things. Instead, I’m to trust Him. He experienced the same troubles, and overcame them. In the world there is turmoil; in Christ there is peace.