Do I forgive if they are not sorry?

“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15 NKJV).

If someone sins against me, my natural tendency is to refuse to talk to that person, but the problem with giving someone the cold shoulder is that I then tend to talk to everyone else about what he or she did. Those people form opinions about that person (or about me) and might even pick sides. Should reconciliation be made later, all that heard my ‘story’ likely won’t hear about the happy ending and be left only with the damage. Jesus gives good advice.

At the root of His prescription is forgiveness. If I tell someone they have sinned against me and am not willing to forgive, I’m only retaliating, not trying to restore the relationship. It is never right to get even, or make them feel terrible for victimizing me, or lord it over them because they were wrong and I am right.

But what do you do if the person is not sorry and does not repent? The next step is to take another person who has witnessed the offense and go to the one who sinned against me. If that does not work, then the church is to hear about it. If the person still refuses to listen, they are to be treated as if they are not a believer in Christ, implying that those who believe will not be able to resist conviction for sin and a genuine offer of restoration.

This whole process is like God’s treatment of me. When I sin against Him, He comes to me in privacy and tells me what I have done. If I refuse to admit it and accept His forgiveness, He will bring alongside another Christian to speak to me about my folly, but the point is, as long as I listen, God does not embarrass me by showing everyone what I have done (unless of course I’ve sinned in a very public way and He doesn’t have to). God protects me from gossip, and He asks me to do the same for others.

Oswald Chambers says we "must not forgive someone who refuses to be sorry." His reason is that they must realize the justice of God. I don’t agree. Isaiah says God forgave Israel for His own name’s sake. Their repentance was never sufficient, and I don’t think mine is either. No matter how sorry I am for what I do, I’m apt to do it again. Repentance is simply the way back to God’s mercy.

I once offered forgiveness to a person who sinned against me big time. She did not acknowledge my offer, confess, or apologize. However, the forgiveness was more for me than for her. For one thing, it was like God to offer it. My heart needs to be like God’s heart, regardless of the response of a person who could not care less if they hurt me. God will deal with her sin and any other sin that has no repentance tied to it. Today it is up to me to forgive others and offer that forgiveness — regardless of what they do with it.